“The Last Season”

Sunday, July 01, 2012

I had asked you a few months ago, basically, how many times someone can ask for forgiveness.

Well, now I am asking you a different question.

I got diagnosed this year with cancer.  They also think there might be a tumor in my brain (which they are currently diagnosing).  Sometimes, when I allow myself to feel, I feel like I can't seem to keep things together.  I am at a loss.  I am not scared to die, but I am scared of dying without completing my purpose.  I am so scared of dying without feeling like I helped others or have done something with my life.

On one side, I am grateful to have a timeline and to have time to somehow do the most I can with it.  On the other side, I am still going through the processes of grief (denial, anger, depression, etc.).  Some days it seems like I'm fine, and other days I just want to break down and cry.

I am so grateful for the time to appreciate my loved ones and life and very, very appreciative of the time to further my spiritual belief… while at other times, I feel lost.  I feel completely alone.  I cannot burden those around me with my thoughts and feelings.  The only thing that's kept me alive through all my suffering has been the thought that I had this great purpose, this life-changing purpose.  And to be told that I will die soon, I feel as though I fooled myself.  I never achieved anything, only failed.  I feel like a complete failure.  I know God hasn't deserted me, but yet, I feel like I have failed.  I have failed in everything, and now I am dying.  It's my worst fear, to die without a purpose.  Please help me.  I have no one else.  Thank you.

Sincerely,
Near The End

Dear Near The End,

The apostle Paul once said that God sets the seasons of our lives and the boundaries of our habitation on this planet (Acts 17:26).  Life is finite for all of us, but when we read of struggles like yours, it makes that knowledge fresh again.  Thank you for having the courage to share your heartache and struggles with us.

Nobody is perfect, and it isn’t fair to measure your life by your failures… that isn’t how God does it.  Jesus was impressed by great faith, not perfect faith (Lk 7:9).  Jesus marveled at the humility of the woman that had the courage to reach out for help (Matt 15:25-28)… it wasn’t her perfect life; it was her humble plea for help that caught His attention.

Your purpose in life may not be what you thought it was, but God has a way of using us to do His work in the most unexpected ways (Esther is a good example of this – Esther 4:14).  This sickness may allow you to learn things and touch lives in ways you never imagined… you’ve certainly touched ours.  Be faithful, and the Lord will use you.  A life lived for the Lord, no matter how long, is never wasted.  You are in our thoughts and prayers.

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