“Tormented”

Thursday, June 27, 2013

As a child, I was both molested and raped.  My maternal uncle molested me from the age of four, and the abuse continued until I was fourteen years old.  At the age of nine, I was raped by a sixteen-year-old.  I struggle with the forgiveness of these two every day.  I feel as though the anger, the resentment, and the hurt are holding me back in my life.  How can you forgive those who seemingly show no remorse for their actions and harm against another?

Sincerely,
Hurting

Dear Hurting,

In one sense, you do not need to forgive them if they aren’t repentant.  In another sense, forgiveness is important for you to heal and move forward in your life.  Let us explain what we mean.

Sometimes we use the word ‘forgive’ to mean that a debt is canceled (this is how the word is used in Rom 4:7, Eph 1:7, and many other passages).  This type of forgiveness requires the person to be repentant and remorseful for their bad behavior (1 Jn 1:9, Acts 8:22).  This type of forgiveness is not extended to everyone – but only those who confess their sin and show a desire to change.  From what you have said, this does not apply to your situation.

There is another biblical use for the word ‘forgive’.  Sometimes we use the word ‘forgive’ to mean ‘stop feeling resent and anger toward others’.  This type of forgiveness can be seen in Mk 11:25 and in Jesus’ plea in Lk 23:34.  Holding anger against others (even if deserved) turns into bitterness (Eph 4:31).  This type of grudge and resentment is like drinking  poison and expecting your enemy to be hurt… it never works.  You don’t have to justify the person’s behavior or attitude; you simply need to give yourself the freedom to move on without the burden of their choices.  Heb 10:30 says that vengeance belongs to God – you don’t need to worry about judging these men for their wicked behavior… there is no greater wrath than God’s.

We cannot imagine how much pain you are in, and we know that these few words are much easier said than done, but you are in our prayers as you continue on your journey to freedom from this oppression on your soul.  If we can help you find someone in your area to talk to and give faithful advice, we would be happy to do so (our e-mail is askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org), and of course, you are always welcome to ask us more questions at any time.

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