“It Didn't Work For Romeo & Juliet”

Friday, April 07, 2017

My boyfriend and I have been together for five and a half years.  Since graduating college, we have been working and getting ready to apply to graduate school.  We plan to get married but agree that the right time may not be for another four years.  Is it possible to have a secret Christian marriage now and a "real" wedding for family and friends when we are financially prepared?  Saving sex for marriage is very important to us, even though we are (and have been for some time) sexually ready.  Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,
Bride-To-Be

Dear Bride-To-Be,

Secrecy is never a good idea… but especially when that secret will affect your marriage, your family, your reputation, tempt you to sin, and degrade your influence as christians – a secret marriage would do all of those things.  Have you considered:

1. There is really no Biblical precedent for being “married before God” and not married before the law and family.  Christians are supposed to obey the laws of the land (Rom 13:1-3).
2. You would be putting yourselves in a position where you look like you are living together (or sleeping together) without being married.  This means that you are sending the wrong message to mankind.  Christians are supposed to shine as lights in the world (Matt 5:16) and live a “good manner of life in Christ” that they may put to shame those who revile the name of Christ (1 Pet 3:16).
3. You are setting yourselves up to be deceptive.  When you file for taxes, are you going to say you aren’t married?  If great aunt Elma asks when you were married… what will you say?  There are lots of problems with this arrangement.
4. What will you tell your children down the road?  Will you lie to them about when you were married?  Will you tell them the whole story, and would you feel comfortable with them doing the same when they get to that stage of life?

All of these are potential pitfalls to a secret marriage arrangement.  The truth sets us free (Jhn 8:32), and deception ensnares us.  However, we would offer you an alternative.  God specifically teaches that it is better to marry than to burn (1 Cor 7:9).  There is nothing dishonorable with marrying when you are poor.  Keep the ceremony simple and small, be honest about your financial situation, and make it clear that you would rather be poor and married than wait to begin your life together.  It is obvious that you are committed to each other (five and a half years!), so there isn’t an issue of this being a snap decision.  After all, you can always have a lavish renewal of vows ceremony at your five-year anniversary.

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