As a child, I was both molested and raped.  My maternal uncle molested me from the age of four, and the abuse continued until I was fourteen years old.  At the age of nine, I was raped by a sixteen-year-old.  I struggle with the forgiveness of these two every day.  I feel as though the anger, the resentment, and the hurt are holding me back in my life.  How can you forgive those who seemingly show no remorse for their actions and harm against another?

Sincerely,
Hurting

Dear Hurting,

In one sense, you do not need to forgive them if they aren’t repentant.  In another sense, forgiveness is important for you to heal and move forward in your life.  Let us explain what we mean.

Sometimes we use the word ‘forgive’ to mean that a debt is canceled (this is how the word is used in Rom 4:7, Eph 1:7, and many other passages).  This type of forgiveness requires the person to be repentant and remorseful for their bad behavior (1 Jn 1:9, Acts 8:22).  This type of forgiveness is not extended to everyone – but only those who confess their sin and show a desire to change.  From what you have said, this does not apply to your situation.

There is another biblical use for the word ‘forgive’.  Sometimes we use the word ‘forgive’ to mean ‘stop feeling resent and anger toward others’.  This type of forgiveness can be seen in Mk 11:25 and in Jesus’ plea in Lk 23:34.  Holding anger against others (even if deserved) turns into bitterness (Eph 4:31).  This type of grudge and resentment is like drinking  poison and expecting your enemy to be hurt… it never works.  You don’t have to justify the person’s behavior or attitude; you simply need to give yourself the freedom to move on without the burden of their choices.  Heb 10:30 says that vengeance belongs to God – you don’t need to worry about judging these men for their wicked behavior… there is no greater wrath than God’s.

We cannot imagine how much pain you are in, and we know that these few words are much easier said than done, but you are in our prayers as you continue on your journey to freedom from this oppression on your soul.  If we can help you find someone in your area to talk to and give faithful advice, we would be happy to do so (our e-mail is askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org), and of course, you are always welcome to ask us more questions at any time.

     My husband has a guy friend he rides bikes with; he can be a little strange at times, and he scares me.  He hangs out with some people that have bad reps, but my husband looks past that and says I should be nice to him even though he scares me.  Would my heavenly Father want me to do the same?  I am not mean to him or disrespectful; he just scares me with some of the things he has done in the past, but I will do whatever my Father says.

Sincerely,
Nervous

Dear Nervous,

You should always be nice to everyone, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t also be safe.  When you say that someone “scares” you, without being given further details, that makes us think there might be a safety issue around this individual.  You know the details; we don’t.

Having said that, there is no reason you can’t be nice.  God says that we should love even our enemies (Lk 6:27).  When Saul was trying to kill David, David didn’t trust him, but David did show him great kindness.  Read 1 Samuel 26’s account of David sparing Saul’s life as an example of showing kindness to even those you can’t trust.  We should do good to all of mankind (Gal 6:10).

Why was it, when men were about to be confronted with their enemies and they were afraid for their lives, they'd put their livestock in front of them, then their children and their wives/concubines, and then themselves?  This seems like a very cowardly act to me, and I've pondered it quite a while now.

Could it have been that they were showing the enemy just how much they had, or was it that they were simply afraid, and they were willing to sacrifice what was in front of them instead of being brave and defending their family and their livestock?

I also think it was horrible when different men would have other men they were scared of knocking at their door and demanding they send out certain men/visitors, and the man inside would say, “I've got this virgin daughter, or I've got my wife or concubine in here; let me send them out, but leave these men alone.” WOW. What in the world were they thinking?

Sincerely, Women And Children First

Dear Women And Children First,

The women and children went first as a sign of subservience and a reminder of the fact that these men had families to care for – that is why Jacob did it.The story you indicated occurs in Genesis chapter 32 and 33.Jacob’s brother, Esau, had been bitterly angry with him ever since Jacob got Esau’s birthright and blessing from their father, Isaac (Gen 27:36).Esau had attempted to kill Jacob when they were younger (Gen 27:42).It had been decades since the two brothers last saw each other, but Jacob still feared his brother’s wrath (Gen 32:11).Jacob sent livestock ahead as gifts to his brother (Gen 32:13-18).He then sent his wives and children, Esau’s nieces and nephews (Gen 33:1-2).Jacob went last in order to show his humility and lowliness.It was an act of peace, not a defensive war-time tactic.

In the case of men offering their daughters and concubines up for rape… that just shows the degradation of their character.In both cases where that happened (Sodom – Gen 19:8 and Gibeah – Judg 19:24), the societies were so utterly immoral that they were destroyed not long after.Sodom was destroyed directly by God (Gen 19:24), and Gibeah was destroyed by Israel (Judg 20:43).Both of those societies were condemned by man and God for their degenerate evil ways.The Bible records the history of these societies, but that doesn’t mean it condones them.

     The Bible teaches "love and pray for your enemies".  Our only real enemy is Satan.  Please explain; I don't understand and am confused.  Are we really supposed to love Satan and pray for him?

Sincerely,
Hard On The Heart

Dear Hard On The Heart,

The Bible teaches that anyone that stands against God is God’s enemy.  Jas 4:4 says that anyone who is a friend of the world is an enemy of God.  Rom 12:20 talks about giving food and drink to your enemy if they are hungry or thirsty – only people hunger and thirst… you can’t feed Satan.  Rom 5:10 describes Christians as previously being enemies of God until they were reconciled with Him through Christ.

An enemy is an adversary.  If you perceive someone as your adversary, then God says that you should treat them with love and kindness in spite of your differences (Lk 6:35).

     Greetings, brother; I am currently in a legal situation.  I would like some Scriptures to help me through this situation.

Sincerely,
Court Date

Dear Court Date,

Since we don’t know the specifics of your situation, we will point you toward the best legal advice the world has ever given and leave it at that.  In Matt 5:25-26, Jesus said that the best way to handle legal disputes is out of court.  This isn’t always possible, but if you can find compromise and agreement with your adversary before you stand before a judge, that is the best option.