As stated in the fifth commandment, you are to honor your father and mother. Yes, as a child growing up in the home, children are to be obedient and respectful and do as their parents say - whether that be cleaning up the room or completing chores. Yet, I have heard it said that once that child turns a certain age or moves back in after college, the parents should have less control and say over that child. For example, the child should be allowed to come and go as they please. So how much do they need to listen to their parents? Yes, as a respectful person helping out around the house as they would do in their own home as well as picking up after themselves in communal areas as agreed upon. However, do they need to make their bed every day or clean their room to their parents’ liking? And do parents have a right to demand these things or threaten to take away their child’s personal things (things that the child has bought on their own) as punishment?

Sincerely, Too Old For Spanking

Dear Too Old For Spanking,

You are old enough to no longer heed your parent’s wishes when you are old enough to move out. The transition from parental oversight to honoring (but not necessarily heeding) your parents’ wishes is most visibly seen at the point of marriage. When someone gets married, they leave their parents and cleave to their spouse (Mk 10:7). Even if unmarried, when a child is old enough to “leave the nest”, it has the same effect as ‘leaving and cleaving.’ It sounds like your parents’ rules may be stricter than is appropriate for your age, but the fact remains that you are under their roof. Time has not made you equals, and they may have a good reason for those house rules. Take the time to understand their reasoning (Pr 23:22).

No rent, free food, free utilities, etc. gives them authority to set some ground rules regardless of age. If you are out of college and in your twenties, you have the ability to change that relationship… by moving out. Until then, you have a responsibility to abide by their house rules. Otherwise, you can always talk to them and hope to alter the house rules in a way that better suits both of your needs.

Are there any scriptures in the Bible to give clues as to why parents of multiple children tend to be hardest on the oldest child, and how can we as parents avoid this pattern?

Sincerely, Multiple Children

Dear Multiple Children,

Your question assumes that being “hard” on children is a bad thing. The Scriptures, in fact, seem to emphasize the opposite. There is only one verse that cautions parents against frustrating their children (Col 3:21); provoking children is definitely wrong. Yet there are many, many verses encouraging parents to firmly train up their children in the way of the Lord.

1. If we love our children, we chasten them (Pr 13:24).
2. Train your child and prepare them for the future (Pr 22:6).
3. Don’t withhold spanking your child (Pr 23:13).
4. Children that aren’t punished bring shame (Pr 29:15).
5. Children are to be taught obedience (Eph 6:1, Col 3:20).
6. Parents that discipline are worthy of reverence (Heb 12:9)

This isn’t to say that parents can’t be too hard on kids, but the tendency of society is typically the opposite. We are far more likely to indulge the foolish behavior of children than we are to take the time to train and chasten them. It is inconvenient to raise godly children. The key is to train them based off of the Scriptures and not out of anger or convenience. When the Scriptures are the guide to parenting, we are much more likely to be consistent with all of our children. God is a fair and just parent (Pr 11:1), and the more we study how He disciplines and loves us the better parents we become (Heb 12:6-8).

     My daughter died at five years old.  Do you know anywhere in the Bible where it says if children grow up or stay children in heaven?

Sincerely,
Waiting To See Her

Dear Waiting To See Her,

The Bible doesn’t tell us much about what it will be like in heaven, but we do know that all children go to heaven.  When David’s son died, David made it clear that his son was in heaven (2 Sam 12:23).  You can have complete confidence that your daughter will be there, too.

We also know that we will have totally different bodies when we get to heaven, and that may affect things with your daughter – after all, a large part of what makes children child-like is their bodies and the growing and learning that accompanies those bodies growing and changing.  1 Cor 15:47-49 says that in heaven, we will have spiritual bodies better suited for eternity.  We can’t tell you exactly what your daughter will be like in heaven, but even if she starts out with the spirit of a child, she’ll have eternity to learn and grow just like all the rest of us.

     I have a question about voting.  Is it okay for a Christian to vote for a candidate that openly endorses gay marriage... say, Obama?  I am confused; I know a bunch of people in my congregation voted for him last time, but I don't see how they could possibly justify it this time around.

Sincerely,
Ballot Baffled

Dear Ballot Baffled,

No candidate is perfect, so no matter how a Christian votes, they will be voting for someone with good and bad traits, so instead, let’s put specific candidates aside for a moment and just look at the principles of Christian voting.  It is possible for a Christian to have various attitudes towards how a government should be run financially, legally, etc., but it is flagrantly sinful for a Christian to support immoral government. Some Christians want big government; some Christians want small government. Some Christians want tax cuts; some Christians want tax increases. Some Christians want more regulations; some Christians want less regulations. All Christians should want godliness for their nation (Pr 14:34).

Homosexual “marriage”, the right to abortion (i.e. the right to kill babies), freedom of worship, etc. are issues that, regardless of other political views, a Christian must stand firm on. A Christian who supports homosexual “marriage” is supporting and endorsing sin. It is no different than Solomon building idolatrous temples for his wives – he sinned in condoning their sin (1 Kgs 11:4-9). A Christian that supports abortion condones the slaying of innocent children and has joined himself in the cause of the wicked. Christians should be vexed, like Lot was (2 Pet 2:7-8), at the immorality they see in the nation around them. We shall give account to God for even the most idle words we speak (Matt 12:36); how much more so for deliberate words and actions that support and endorse sin?

If Christians cease to be the salt of the earth that preserves the morality of a nation… what good are we (Matt 5:13)?

  I fell in love with my best friend, and we had sex once.  We were dating, and then she said she couldn’t have a sexual relationship with a woman; it’s against her beliefs.  We are the same sex.  Now she’s not talking to me but says she does love me.  I’m praying for God to bring her back in my life as my friend, but if she wants it to be more, that would be her choice.  Will she change her mind and still be my friend?

Sincerely,
Abandoned

Dear Abandoned,

We can’t tell you whether or not she will change her mind and be your friend again, but if we were advising you both, we would advise against a friendship after the trouble it has created for you.

God makes it clear that homosexual relationships are sinful (Rom 1:26-27).  The right thing to do is exactly what your friend did – flee fornication (1 Cor 6:18).  We are sorry you have lost a friend, but better to lose a friendship and start down a better path than to go to hell together (Matt 18:8).