How do you forgive someone if they have not asked for forgiveness and/or if they act as though they are not in error?  I've heard some say you should simply be ready to forgive.  I know I should not have ill will or resentful feelings, but how can I forgive if forgiveness has not been requested?  We are only forgiven by God when we request it....

 

Sincerely,
Apology Acceptor

Dear Apology Acceptor,

Depending on the situation, you may or may not forgive the person (more on this further down), but no matter what: you can’t, absolutely CAN’T, treat the person poorly or allow bitterness to engulf you.  Whether you forgive someone or not, we are all to love even our enemies (Lk 6:27) and treat them with kindness and love.  Furthermore, bitterness of heart is a disease that is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to suffer (Heb 12:15).

With that said, here are some things to consider with forgiveness.  You have to forgive all christians (Matt 18:35).  If they are good enough for God to forgive, they are good enough for you to forgive.  If the person is not a christian, you may find that they are purposefully continuing to harm you and abuse you.  If this is the case, it is fair to say that you do not need to forgive them, but you do still need to love them.  God is willing to forgive when we repent, but ready to forgive is different than actually forgiving (Ps 86:5).  Another factor to consider is that Jesus asked God to forgive people who were crucifying Him.  “Forgive them for they know not what they do”(Lk 23:34) is a very powerful statement.  Jesus made it clear that oftentimes people do the wrong thing out of ignorance.  If they had only known, they would have acted differently.  It is always a good idea to give people the benefit of the doubt.   If in doubt, forgiveness is always a better option.

A friend that I have known for six years has feelings for me, but she has a bad habit of going to bars and drinking.  She claims to want a christian boyfriend, yet she is not willing to give up her current ways even after I have explained, using the Bible, why being a christian involves change.

After counseling from a church member, prayer, and reading the scriptures of King Solomon in the Bible, his folly revealed to me that I cannot be with her in a pure christian relationship.

After not reciprocating her emotions, she decided to move on and now has a boyfriend that goes to my church at home.  Is this a weaker christian falling for simply looks, or am I wrong with the message I thought the Holy Spirit revealed to me?

Sincerely,
Moral Moorings

Dear Moral Moorings,

You made the right choice, but without knowing the specifics of the new relationship she is in, we wouldn’t be quick to judge the new guy.  The Bible makes it clear that we must put our morals before anything else (Acts 5:29).  It is also clear that bad companions will corrupt good morals (1 Cor 15:33).  Furthermore, since christians should only date for the purpose of trying to find a future mate… immoral boyfriends/girlfriends are a bad decision.  Christians should only seek to marry others who are also “in the Lord” (1 Cor 7:39).

You are properly seeing the Scriptures (which is how the Holy Spirit reveals His will to us).  Solomon was destroyed by his ungodly wives (1 Kgs 11:4), a fate that you are wise to avoid.  Circumstances may have changed, or this woman’s character might have altered now that she is dating this other man, or he may simply have not planted his feet firmly enough to stand by his God… only God knows the specifics.  Regardless, you made the right and Biblical choice to place God before this woman.

5 minutes a day 5 days a week All the New Testament in a year

5 minutes a day 5 days a week All the New Testament in a year

My wife and I are struggling to make a difficult decision about our church.  Our pastor preached a series of messages about how the Lord speaks to us.  Each week, he talked about God's message to us through nature, literature, trials, situations, etc.  The particular week that has us concerned is the week he talked about how God speaks to us through movies and media.  At the end of the sermon, he showed a couple of clips from movies that had moved him in his life.  Schindler's List was one, and there were a few others.  My wife and I had never seen Schindler's List, so we rented it and were very disturbed by the fact that there was nudity in it.  (We braced ourselves for the horrific acts against the Jewish nation).  So, is there a place for a movie clip from a rated ‘R’ movie from the pulpit?  The movie clip was fitting for what the sermon dealt with, but if he'd seen the entire movie in order to see the final few minutes, he had to have known about the nudity.  I just don't think it's appropriate, no matter how moving the final scene is.  Please shed some light on this matter.  How do we approach our pastor?  We love our church and our family, but we feel so conflicted about this.  We don't want to leave, but we don't want to be attending a church that thinks being "culturally relevant" means showing rated ‘R’ movie clips.

 

Sincerely,
Rated ‘P’ for Pure

Dear Rated ‘P’ for Pure,

There is some debate to be had over seeing a ‘R’ rated movie that is rated that way for violence… but nudity is an entirely different matter.  At the very least, christians should be very, very cautious about viewing anything rated ‘R’.  According to the MPAA, a ‘R’ rating on a movie is received for one (or a combination) of five things:

1. Adult themes and activities.  This is a generic listing, but it is fair to say that this content almost always involves subject matter that is inappropriate for anyone with morals.  ‘Adult themes’ is almost always synonymous with ‘sinful behavior’.
2. Hard language
3. Intense or persistent violence
4. Sexually-oriented nudity
5. Drug Abuse

When a christian looks at that list (and at least one of those things MUST be present to receive an ‘R’ rating), it should explain why ‘R’ rated movies can be such a bad thing.  Christians are to dwell upon things that are pure, wholesome, good, and holy – not worldly filth (Php 4:8).  When we dwell upon evil things, like what is found in ‘R’ rated movies, we set ourselves up for spiritual failure and death.  Jesus Christ wasn’t “culturally relevant” in the sense of being like others.  Jesus abhorred worldliness.  The Bible tells us to flee immorality and instead to live soberly and righteously in this present world (Tit 2:12).

The Lord’s church is supposed to uphold the truth (1 Tim 3:15).  It does sound like the congregation you are a part of no longer takes that seriously.  The Lord speaks to us through His Word, not Hollywood.  The Bible is how He reminds us how to live faithfully (2 Pet 3:1).  The Bible is how He teaches us how to avoid sin (1 Jn 2:1).  The Bible is how He shows us how to make our joy full (1 Jn 1:4).  Anything that the world around us shows can only point to God, so that we are without excuse (Rom 1:20).  Salvation and life can only be found in His Word (Rom 1:16).  If a congregation fails to put God’s Word on a platform far above the teachings of the world… then a faithful person must go elsewhere.  See our posts “Finding The Church” and “Preacher Interrogation” for more details on the subject.  We would also be happy to assist you in finding a faithful congregation in your area; simply e-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org.