I love my church, and I know the Bible tells me I'm supposed to be really close with my church family, but for some reason, I don't get along well with the people my age.  I have other friends, but none of them are christians, and I want to have a good relationship with the people I'm supposed to.  When I try to hang out with some of the people I think I might get along with, I feel like an annoyance, or they have other things going on.  I feel like I've been praying about it for years, but I still don’t have close relationships with any of them.  Is there anything I can do to make good solid relationships with my church family?

Sincerely,
In The Out-Crowd

Dear In The Out-Crowd,

There is no single neat answer to the question you have asked.  However, there are some general principles that you might consider.

1. Your friends don’t have to be your age.  Paul and Timothy had an exceptionally close relationship even though Timothy was a young man (1 Tim 4:12), and Paul was much older.  Despite their age difference, Paul and Timothy were of the same mind, and that made them close (Php 2:19-20).  Age is only one factor when trying to make friends.
2. Someone has to start friendships.  Our tendency in life is to wait for others to befriend us for fear of rejection.  However, all friendships start because someone behaved friendly (Pr 27:9).  Jesus was so loved because He reached out to others and befriended them (Matt 11:19).
3. There will always be some people that you are closer to than others.  The church is a family (Eph 2:19), and just like a biological family, everyone has different bonds with everyone else.  Everyone loves each other, but each intra-family relationship is unique.  Don’t feel that you have to be close to every person in your congregation.  Just making an effort to be involved with the group as a whole is the goal.
4. Friendships are built when we work together.  When every christian supplies what strength they have to the Lord’s work, relationships naturally begin to form because we are helping each other (Eph 4:16).  Friendships often form naturally when we simply decided to be as involved as possible.

Having said all of that, it isn’t always easy to make friends – even in the Lord’s church.  Do not grow weary in doing good; eventually, you will reap the benefits (Gal 6:9-10).

We have been attending the same church for seven or eight years.  We are not members but participate in all activities.  We contribute to the love offering, are called when we have prayer chains, and help provide food for a family if someone passes away.  We are included just like a church member, but when our grandson and father passed away, the church didn't provide us with a meal after the service as we do with everyone else.  We aren't members, but I don't think that is the problem because we have provided meals for the non-members that have lost family members.  We feel hurt that we have been overlooked twice.  We thought we were part of this church family; we provide services: i.e. our time to help with the grounds keeping, painting, planting, etc. out of our pocket to help our church out.  We don't ask for repayment or even tell what we do at times.  We do it to feel connected to the church.  Am I wrong in feeling like others have a problem with us, and should we find another church or stay and continue to worship God and do His will?

Sincerely,
Persona Non Grata

Dear Persona Non Grata,

You should definitely always do God’s will, but you will have to decide whether staying where you are is, in fact, fulfilling God’s commands.  What does God say that we should do when others hurt our feelings?   If you really feel offended by someone, you should go and talk to them and, if at all possible, reconcile (Matt 5:23-24).  What you are talking about doesn’t sound like a Bible doctrine disagreement, but a personal (though legitimate) frustration.

However, we have to admit we are confused by the fact that you are so dedicated to this church and yet are not a member… is there something unscriptural about how the church is behaving?  Are they somehow failing to match up with God’s criteria for what the church should be (See “Finding the Church” and “Preacher Interrogation” to look at some of those criteria)?  If your reason for not placing your membership with this church is a Bible reason – then you should leave and find a faithful church to be a part of.  If the reason isn’t Biblical, then you should place your membership there.  There are no examples of christians in the Bible that weren’t members of a local church.  Even the apostle Paul, with all of his traveling, was a member of the church in Antioch (Acts 11:25-26).  Find a faithful group and commit to serving God with them.

     Why didn't God save His holy covenant for the Christians?

Sincerely,
Feeling Cheated

Dear Feeling Cheated,

Any covenant made with God is a “holy” covenant.  The word ‘holy’ means ‘special or set apart’, and the word ‘covenant’ means ‘agreement or contract’.  Any agreement that God makes with anyone is special because God is special!  God has had numerous holy covenants.  He made one with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden (Gen 2:16-17).  He made one with the earth when He set the rainbow in the sky (Gen 9:13-16).  He made one with Abraham when He promised to make Abraham into a mighty nation (Gen 15:18).  All of these are examples of holy covenants God has made over the centuries.

The last covenant God made was with Christians.  God made a promise to save us through Jesus Christ, and then He ratified that covenant with Jesus’ blood (Heb 13:20).  The Christian covenant is the greatest and most wonderful covenant God has ever made with mankind.

     Paul says that those who practice bad doctrine should be "delivered to Satan for the destruction of the flesh" (1 Cor 5:5) as he did to Hymenaeus and Alexander (1 Tim 1:20).  I know several such individuals.  I need to know the DETAILS of HOW I am to deliver them to Satan.  As a follower of the "inspired" words of Paul, how do YOU PERSONALLY deliver people to Satan?  What technique do you use to destroy their flesh?  Like John Calvin did to Michael Severtus in Geneva maybe?  A slow burning at the stake?  Please give me the details of how I can effectively follow this well-established and "inspired" Christian doctrine.

Sincerely,
Burn, Baby, Burn

Dear Burn, Baby, Burn,

1^st Corinthians chapter five discusses the process of a church withdrawing from a Christian who is living a sinful life.  In 1 Cor 5:5, it says that the erring Christian should be delivered to Satan for the destruction of his flesh.  If that was the only verse we had, we would just have to scratch our heads and wonder what Paul was talking about… but that isn’t the only verse.  Just a few sentences down, Paul explains that how we deliver someone back to Satan is by not associating with them (1 Cor 5:9) and removing them from the congregation’s ranks (1 Cor 5:13).  The good company and support of the church is a blessing that Christians enjoy and really appreciate; by removing that blessing from an unrepentant brother, hopefully, it will wake him up and show him that he needs to change.

If the church doesn’t act, it will have to answer to God because it didn’t stand up for the truth.  Paul told the Corinthians that they were arrogant for not addressing their errant member (1 Cor 5:2), and he warned them that if they didn’t act, the church would eventually be rotted away by sin (1 Cor 5:6-7).  A church that won’t stand by the truth is bound to fall away from the Lord and cease to be a faithful church.  When a Christian is living in sin, they are responsible for their own behavior, but if the church doesn’t warn them, they have sinned as well (Ezek 3:18-19).

     Is a person that just got saved supposed to treat friends that she has been around for 10 to 15 years badly?  I mean, is she supposed to stop conversing with unsaved people that she’s been friends with for a long time?

Sincerely,
Out In The Cold

Dear Out In The Cold,

A new Christian might have to put some distance between themselves and certain friends – a lot of it depends on the choices those friends are making.  It is sometimes hard for those outside of Christ to realize it, but becoming a Christian is a completely new life with new priorities and new direction.  Jesus compared it to being born again (Jhn 3:3).  When someone becomes a Christian, they make a commitment to God to repent of their sinful ways (Acts 3:19) and let their life be guided by Christ (Gal 2:20).  Any sort of drastic change in priorities of that magnitude will affect every corner of a person’s life, including their friendships.

1 Cor 15:33 says that bad company can corrupt us.  If someone becomes a Christian and still hangs out at the bar with their cussing drinking buddies, they aren’t likely to live that new life that Christ commanded.  It isn’t enough to say they will change; a new Christian needs to put themselves in an environment that will help them grow.  Sometimes, that means severing unhealthy friendships.

Having said that, becoming a Christian doesn’t mean all relationships have to end or that it is okay to be mean or unkind to people.  But if two people’s lives are going different places, it is natural for them to become distant.