Should a Christian do everything possible to maintain life during a health crisis, or accept physical wasting as a blessing and prepare to meet God?

Sincerely,
The Tough Choices

Dear The Tough Choices,

The act of purposefully taking your own life is definitely wrong, but refusing to prolong a terminal illness is a much murkier area.  There is no doubt that suicide is sinful (read “Victim Was The Assailant” for further details), but when someone doesn’t accept surgery, chemotherapy, life-support, etc. – that isn’t suicide.  ‘Do not resuscitate’ orders, living wills, and other such decisions are a matter of wisdom and conscience.

God very clearly teaches that we should be people who value life.  It isn’t our right to presumptuously choose the moment of our death (Eccl 8:8).  Just because we are suffering isn’t necessarily a reason to stop fighting for life.  Suffering can be a very important part of our life here (Eccl 7:14).  The general rule should be to seek to preserve life – even our consciences tell us this.  It is called the “survival instinct”.

On the other hand, there comes a point when continuing to poke, prod, and prolong the life of a body that is obviously dying can offend our conscience as well.  This is where wisdom comes in.  God tells us to ask Him for wisdom (Jas 1:5) and to make conscientious decisions (1 Tim 3:9).  There is no magic answer to your question – only principles to follow in a very difficult time.

I put up with a lot when it comes to a certain person and his family.  Eventually, I completely cut everyone out of my life, and now I’m at peace... my question is: did I do the right thing by letting go?  Did I do the right thing by completely cutting everyone out of my life... or letting go the way I did, or am I supposed to continue to help and be there for them?  It’s hard for me to continue to associate with these people when, in reality, all I want to do is leave them in the past... especially when they go to the same church as I do.

Sincerely,
Cut It Out

Dear Cut It Out,

When dealing with trials amongst brethren, the biggest word we must watch out for is ‘bitterness’.  God warns us that bitterness creeps in and defiles us (Heb 12:15).  Bitterness destroys marriages (Col 3:19); it enslaves us (Acts 8:23); it changes the way we talk (Rom 3:14) and the way we think and feel (Jas 3:14).  If you are dealing with a fellow christian, there must be some redeeming quality within them that you could dwell upon (Php 4:8).  Be very careful to not close your heart off to others – if we won’t forgive, God won’t forgive us (Matt 6:14).  Bitterness comes across in the way we live – with all kindness, we recommend that you examine yourself (1 Cor 11:31) and see whether or not it may be time to soften your heart and let go (Eph 4:31-32).  Cutting yourself off from everyone in your life, especially the church, isn’t the answer.

I am a twenty-four-year-old wife and mother of two.  My husband and I have been together for five years, some good, a lot of pain.  We lived in Oregon for a couple years of our marriage, and during that time, we had our daughter, and my marriage was very painful.  He always hangs out with friends that don't care about married people (or women for that matter), and they would gladly give him drugs to use and bring him to strip clubs and worse.  Well, his friend had to go to Iraq, and he said he realized that our marriage was down the drain and that I couldn't take it anymore, so we moved to Colorado where his family lives to get away from the people and things that kept bringing him down.  Things were great in Colorado.  He was treating me like I was worth something.  Well, his friend that went to Iraq got back, and magically, we had to move back to Oregon for his schooling because he can't handle online classes anymore.  He promised he wouldn't hang out with old people or do old things again.  Well, we have only been here a week and half, and he has left every day so far to hang out with these guys at bars and who knows where else, coming home late every night, telling me to just be cool with things and stop being his mom all the time.  I don't know what to do because it is too much.  What should I do?  I'm really losing my mind and don't have a friend in him anymore.  He just tells me I am psycho and crazy and I need to stop being so stupid because I am the one that changed.  When I cry, he just tells me to shut up because crying won't make me get my way.  I don't do it on purpose; I try to hold it in, but the loneliness is killing me.  What is a christian wife supposed to do?  I've been praying like crazy, but nothing is getting better.

Sincerely,
Missing Colorado

Dear Missing Colorado,

There are no easy answers to the struggle you are going through.  Your question was "what can a christian wife do?", and we will do our best to answer that specific question and leave all counseling to those in a better position to help.  You have two options, and neither of them is a smooth road.

Option #1 - Remain with him and plant your feet.  1 Pet 3:1 says that your example of faithfulness and godliness has a chance of winning your husband over.  Don't accept immoral behavior, but in everything else, be subject to him and show kindness and respect.  Overcome evil with good (Rom 12:21).  Every time you act in a loving and righteous manner toward him, it will heap coals upon his head, and it will hurt his conscience (Rom 12:19-20).

Option #2 - You cannot divorce him unless he has committed adultery, but you can be separated (1 Cor 7:10-11).  If his behavior is so detrimental to your children and life that you can no longer live faithfully toward God in such an environment, you can separate from him.  If you do this, you must remain unmarried and seek in every way to reconcile with him if he shows a willingness to change his ways.  This second option is a choice of last resort.

Either road is difficult, but the first option is Biblically preferable.  If you two can find and get counseling – do so.  We would be happy to point you in the direction of a faithful counselor/preacher in your area if you would like.  Simply e-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org.  We are so sorry to hear of your struggles and trials.  May God bless you as you seek to be faithful to Him above all else.

When is all the misery going to go away?

Sincerely,
In Anguish

Dear In Anguish,

When we get home.  Some questions that we receive here at AYP really do break our hearts – perhaps none more than this one.  Suffering is one of the most poignant experiences of human existence, and all the great men and women of the Bible faced it.  David said that his bed swam with tears many nights (Ps 6:6-7).  He also said that his sorrow was continually before him (Ps 38:17).  Isa 53:3 calls Jesus the “Man of Sorrows”.  Suffering is a constant reminder that this world is not our home and that our spirits will someday rise upward to meet our God (Eccl 3:19-21).  All of God’s faithful are strangers and pilgrims on this planet (Heb 11:13).

We cannot imagine what you are going through; you alone know your heart’s grief (Pr 14:10).  There is hope.  Trials can make us stronger if we reach out to the Lord (Rom 5:3-5).  If there is anything we can do, or if we can put you in contact with a faithful congregation that could buoy you up and prepare you for heaven, please e-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org.

     Does the Bible say anything about how a married couple should act after the kids have left home?  Is there any responsibility between the two to show affection or maintain a relationship?  Or can they part ways yet remain married under law?

Sincerely,
Growing Apart

Dear Growing Apart,

A godly marriage is not built upon raising children; raising children is built upon a godly marriage.  The marriage comes first, and then the children (Eph 5:31).  Before Adam and Eve had any children, they had a responsibility to one another.  Also, the Bible commands us to rejoice in our marriage even in our old age (Pr 5:18).  A husband and wife have a responsibility to one another regardless of the status or age of their children (1 Cor 7:1-3).  If a couple simply “parted ways” they may be fulfilling the letter of the law by remaining unmarried again (1 Cor 7:10-11), but it definitely would not be fulfilling the spirit of God’s intentions for marriage.