I have a question about "honor your father and your mother".  Some parents seem to use this as a weapon when kids are not listening to their parents or misbehaving.  I seem to get different meanings of what this really means.  I do thank you for your time.  God bless!

Sincerely,
Ain’t Misbehavin’

Dear Ain’t Misbehavin’,

Children are told to honor their father and mother at all ages (Eph 6:2-3). The word ‘honor’ means ‘to esteem highly’.  Parents deserve respect and kind treatment from their offspring.  As parents reach old age, children show honor by caring for their parents’ needs (Matt 15:4-6).  Until independent adulthood, honoring your parents is shown through respectful obedience (Eph 6:1).  No Scripture should ever be wielded “as a weapon”, but regardless of how the verse is used, that is what it means.

Is it true that when Jesus comes back and we go with Him, we will no longer be married to our spouses?  I just found the love of my life.  I believe Jesus is coming soon; can you help with this question?

Sincerely,
In Love

Dear In Love,

We won’t be married in heaven, but we will be closer to our loved ones than we can even imagine.  Jesus says in Matt 22:30 that there will be no marriage in heaven.  However, in heaven, there will be no sorrow, no death, no sin, and no pain (Rev 21:3-4).  Heaven will be full of the most healthy and fulfilling relationships that mankind is capable of having.  Just make sure you and your spouse both put God first, so you can see each other there!

I grew up in a "christian" home - one where we went to church on Sundays, and my mother often quoted the Bible and listened exclusively to religious music – while simultaneously hideously abusing me on both an emotional and physical level.  Now that I am an adult, married, and expecting my first child, my husband recently asked my mother to leave our home after a surprise visit and asked her not to come back – mainly because she continues the emotional abuse to this day.  After every episode of it, she will call me the next day as if nothing happened, offering no apology or even acknowledgment of her behavior, but carrying on a regular conversation.  While I have forgiven her, I no longer want her in my life, and though I pray for her happiness, health, and well-being, I cannot bear to live with the emotional abuse and the constant (4-5 times per week) phone calls at all hours.  I have politely told her many times that we need to address the issue of her behavior which sends her into another abusive episode followed by complete denial that anything happened.  I want to be Christ-like.  I forgive every time, but does that mean I have to look at another perhaps forty years of this?  What would Jesus do?  Am I wrong to cut her out of my life?  I do not want my son, due in July, to grow up around this influence, and this cycle of abusive outbursts followed by denial and disengagement has been happening for years.

Sincerely,
Breaking The Cycle

Dear Breaking The Cycle,

Showing forgiveness is not the same as trusting someone.  You have every right to set boundaries in your life if someone is corrupting you with their bad company (1 Cor 15:33).  If you have respectfully tried to show your mother the boundaries (and it sounds like you have), there comes a time when you must put your immediate family before your extended family.  You have a responsibility to your mother, but you have a greater responsibility to your husband and child (Matt 19:5).  It is unfortunate that you are in this situation, but Christ even said that sometimes christian morality will divide families (Matt 10:34-35).  We cannot tell you exactly what lines to draw (that is a matter of wisdom, not doctrine), but you are perfectly scriptural in setting some degree of moral boundary.

As a child, I was both molested and raped.  My maternal uncle molested me from the age of four, and the abuse continued until I was fourteen years old.  At the age of nine, I was raped by a sixteen-year-old.  I struggle with the forgiveness of these two every day.  I feel as though the anger, the resentment, and the hurt are holding me back in my life.  How can you forgive those who seemingly show no remorse for their actions and harm against another?

Sincerely,
Hurting

Dear Hurting,

In one sense, you do not need to forgive them if they aren’t repentant.  In another sense, forgiveness is important for you to heal and move forward in your life.  Let us explain what we mean.

Sometimes we use the word ‘forgive’ to mean that a debt is canceled (this is how the word is used in Rom 4:7, Eph 1:7, and many other passages).  This type of forgiveness requires the person to be repentant and remorseful for their bad behavior (1 Jn 1:9, Acts 8:22).  This type of forgiveness is not extended to everyone – but only those who confess their sin and show a desire to change.  From what you have said, this does not apply to your situation.

There is another biblical use for the word ‘forgive’.  Sometimes we use the word ‘forgive’ to mean ‘stop feeling resent and anger toward others’.  This type of forgiveness can be seen in Mk 11:25 and in Jesus’ plea in Lk 23:34.  Holding anger against others (even if deserved) turns into bitterness (Eph 4:31).  This type of grudge and resentment is like drinking  poison and expecting your enemy to be hurt… it never works.  You don’t have to justify the person’s behavior or attitude; you simply need to give yourself the freedom to move on without the burden of their choices.  Heb 10:30 says that vengeance belongs to God – you don’t need to worry about judging these men for their wicked behavior… there is no greater wrath than God’s.

We cannot imagine how much pain you are in, and we know that these few words are much easier said than done, but you are in our prayers as you continue on your journey to freedom from this oppression on your soul.  If we can help you find someone in your area to talk to and give faithful advice, we would be happy to do so (our e-mail is askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org), and of course, you are always welcome to ask us more questions at any time.

Is it okay to deceive someone if it is the only way they will even begin an open discussion with you (e.g. telling someone that you agree with or understand their values when you truly do not because you know that unless you tell them that, there will be no way they will have a constructive conversation with you)?

Sincerely,
Feigned Interest

Dear Feigned Interest,

It is never okay to lie (Rev 21:8), but you don’t have to lie to be diplomatic.  Jesus tells us to be as wise as serpents and as harmless as doves when interacting with mankind (Matt 10:16).  Just because you disagree with someone doesn’t mean that you can’t kindly ask to understand their position.  Wise men seek understanding (Pr 24:3), and friendships are built by being honest and gracious with your words (Pr 22:11).

Trying to balance being gracious with being forthright can be tricky, but it is possible.  Learning to have our words “seasoned with grace” is a lifetime education (Col 4:6).