Ever since I started dating, all I have met up with are worthless men, and now I’m pregnant from one of them, but I changed my life and turned to God, but I just want to know why won’t God bless me with a good man?

Sincerely,
New Mama

Dear New Mama,

There is a universal life principle: we “reap what we sow” (Gal 6:7).  Ma’am, with all do respect, we believe that is what is happening to you.  If you hang around the kind of men that would have sex with you before marriage… and you consent to such behavior – you will reap what you sow.  Good men don’t try and behave in unseemly ways towards women, and they aren’t attracted to women who appreciate that kind of forwardness.

You say that you have changed your life, and that is wonderful!  As you begin to plant new behavior and choices in your life, you will reap different results.  Make the choice to spend time with people who have high moral standards, and you will see changes in your life.  Bad company corrupts good morals (1 Cor 15:33), and good companionship makes us into better people (Pr 27:17).  Go to church (we would be happy to help you find a faithful one in your area), repent of the lifestyle that got you where you are, and we promise that you will see a difference.

What does the Bible have to say about foreplay? And is it a sin if both people believe that they're in love, and the reason for it is not because of lust but because of love?

My boyfriend and I can tell the difference between lust and love in our relationship.  And when we are physical, we feel it as love and not as lust.  What I mean by that is that we don't look at each other just wanting to have foreplay with each other.

Can you give us some Biblical references to where we can determine if this is sin or not?

Sincerely,
Not Married Yet

Dear Not Married Yet,

Your question assumes that love and lust are mutually exclusive terms – they are not.  You can love someone and lust after them at the same time.  ‘Love’ is the choice to do what is in the best interest of another.  Love is best defined by the words of 1 Cor 13:4-7.  Love is the behavior that puts someone else’s needs and concerns before your own.  That type of love is what any and all healthy relationships are built upon… including romantic relationships.

You and your boyfriend love each other, but you also have a physical attraction to one another.  That physical attraction is normal, but it must be tempered and controlled until marriage.  When you “are physical”, you are increasing that physical lust instead of tempering it.  The very term ‘foreplay’ intimates that what you are doing is leading to further intimacy.  The Scriptures say “it is better to marry than to burn” (1 Cor 7:9).  If you can’t cool your jets and keep a healthy physical distance until marriage… you have a problem.

Before marriage, men and women need to keep healthy physical boundaries.  As the Song of Solomon says, “Do not stir up, nor awake my love, until he pleases” (SoS 2:7).  The physical side of a relationship is only a blessing within marriage – don’t rush into it.  Set up healthy boundaries and then stick to them.  Those boundaries need to be built off of respect for God and each other’s reputation.  A good rule of thumb is to ask, “Would I be okay with my brother or sister being in this situation?”  (1 Tim 5:2).  If your relationship is truly pure and strong, it is strong enough to wait.

I've been dating my fiancé now for almost three years, and I'm twenty-four, almost twenty-five years old.  We got engaged this past September.  He is the only man I have done anything sexual with.  We have not had sex, but we have done everything else.  I want to have sex so badly, and so does he, but I'm hesitant to because I don't want to sin more than I already have.  Our wedding is not until next September.  Is it really a sin to give yourself to one man who you are committed to be with for the rest of your life and love so much?  What does the Bible say?  And does it matter that when the Bible was written, women married much earlier in life, and a woman's honor was everything she had?  Now there isn't a stigma against a woman who sleeps with a man she loves.  Please give me your opinion.

Sincerely,
Ready To Wed

Dear Ready To Wed,

Yes, it would be wrong if you slept with him before marriage.  God understands the strain and toll that waiting for marriage takes upon young couples, and He provides a solution if the strain becomes too great… get married.  1 Cor 7:9 specifically says that it is better to marry than to burn with passion.  You said that you are getting married next September.  Wedding dates are set for reasons of convenience, location, weather, etc.  All of those reasons pale in comparison to living pure and faithful lives before God.  If you and your fiancé cannot wait without sinning, then you must flee fornication (1 Cor 6:18) and get married now.  The pomp and circumstance of a formal wedding ceremony is not as important as going to heaven.  Pre-marital sex will taint your relationship with your future husband and with God.

The Bible’s teachings are timeless and unwavering.  Just because culture changes doesn’t mean God does (Jas 1:17).  It is a sad thing that today’s society accepts pre-marital sex.  Be bold; be different… be pure (2 Tim 2:22).

My daughter left home and moved in with a boyfriend.  She is doing everything a married couple would do, including sleeping with him.  If they both get married after living together for months, does that erase all the sin they have committed?  I was always taught living together before marriage is a sin.

Sincerely,
Vexed Mother

Dear Vexed Mother,

Living together before marriage is a sin (see “Living Together” for more specifics on that topic).  If they get married, it won’t erase the previous sins of fornication… it will only prevent further sinning.  The only thing that can erase sin is the blood of Christ (Heb 13:12).  Until your daughter and her boyfriend commit their lives to Christ, all of their sins remain on their records.  All mankind has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Rom 3:23).  If your daughter ever does become interested in talking about spiritual things, here is a list of several articles and resources that you might find useful:

“Does God Exist?”

“God Is Alive”

“Gute Enough For Gutenberg”

“What Must I Do To Be Saved”

“Preacher Interrogation”

“Finding A Church”

Also, sermons.mvchurchofchrist.org (our downloadable sermon catalog) has multiple lessons that might be helpful to her.

I feel like I am struggling to be the person God wants me to be; I ask Him for guidance and to help me make sure I’m going down the path He wants me to.  My future still seems so uncertain.  I’m watching my grandfather die slowly, and I’m struggling through a relationship with a girl I care a lot about but don’t know if we are right for each other.  I also have a fear for her faithfulness even though she, to my knowledge, has never done anything she shouldn’t have.  I don’t remember ever feeling so lost even though I think my relationship with God is as strong as ever.  Admittedly, I don’t go to church; I haven’t been for years.  I tell myself that what is important is my relationship with God.  I feel guilty for complaining about my life knowing that there are people out there who have it much worse than I do.  I’m healthy, fed; I mean, I have a pretty decent life.

In short - am I being selfish?  Why do I feel lost and not know the right thing to do?  How do you know what is best for you?  Would I be a better christian/person if I went to church?

I don’t expect you to answer this or reply, but guidance would be appreciated.

Sincerely,
Without A Compass

Dear Without A Compass,

Solomon once said that to fear God and keep His commandments is the whole of man (Eccl 12:13).  Right now, you aren’t feeling whole because you aren’t paying attention to all of His commandments.  The sum of God’s Word is truth (Ps 119:160).  We cannot find peace and salvation without embracing all of God’s teachings and humbly allowing the Master to guide our lives.  Heb 10:24-25 makes it clear that you cannot serve God without assembling with christians on a regular basis.  He also teaches that we must take the Lord’s Supper regularly (every Sunday – Acts 20:7) with other christians (1 Cor 11:20-26).  No man is an island; christians are meant to gather together with others who can help them through the trials of life (like watching your grandfather die) and the difficult decisions (like how to proceed with your girlfriend).  The church is made up of many individuals, and it is designed to build all of us up together in Christ (Eph 4:12-16).  You won’t be a whole person until you begin working with a church and attending services.

We caution you that it is important to find a church that will teach and instruct you only in the Scriptures.  Not all congregations are alike.  There are many religious groups that warp and pervert the Scriptures (1 Jhn 4:1) – and they will only make your situation worse.  If you would like help finding a faithful and Biblical congregation in your area, please feel free to e-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org, and we will do our best to put you in contact with a trustworthy congregation near you.