What does the Bible (and where) say about two people living together prior to marriage?

Sincerely,
Spare Key

Dear Spare Key,

Moving in together would be a sin as well as a temptation toward further sin. No matter how pure our intentions might be, two people of the opposite sex living together looks bad. Even if you weren’t actually sleeping together, nobody would believe you. God tells us to abstain from every form of evil (1 Thess 5:22). The word ‘form’ in that verse literally means “shape or appearance”. Christians need to not only avoid sin – but avoid looking like they are sinning. A boyfriend and girlfriend living together (no matter how chaste) looks like a sinful relationship. The Bible also tells us to do the things which are ‘honorable in the sight of all men’ (Rom 12:17, 2 Cor 8:21). Consider what living together before marriage does to the honor of your girlfriend/boyfriend. God wants you to do what is in their best interest and uphold their reputation and honor.

Secondarily, the temptation to sleep together will certainly grow with living together. There is nothing abnormal about a man and a woman being strongly attracted to each other. God recognizes that young people naturally are inclined to burn with passion for the opposite sex (1 Cor 7:9). The key is to make sure you don’t put yourselves in a position that could compromise your integrity. We are to ‘flee fornication’ (1 Cor 6:18) and be wise as serpents in regard to righteousness (Matt 10:16). Don’t set yourselves up to sin.

The idea of living together before marriage is a modern one – not a Biblical one. Biblically speaking, if you aren’t ready to get married, you aren’t ready to live together. The deepest act of love you could show to your girlfriend/boyfriend would be to wait until you are ready for marriage.

Why should I wait for sex?

Sincerely,
Just Askin’

Dear Just Askin’,

There are two ways to answer your question.  One way to answer your question would be to list the thousands of statistics that describe how much healthier of a lifestyle monogamy is.  We could explain the risks of promiscuity and the increased failure rate of relationships that pursue intimacy before marriage.  There are studies far and wide that prove the healthiest, happiest, and most well-adjusted relationships are monogamous relationships that wait until marriage… but that isn’t the way we are going to answer your question because as compelling as secular studies are, they aren’t nearly as compelling as the Bible.

The other way to answer your question is to tell you that God says sex outside of marriage is a sin and that we should flee all fornication (1 Cor 6:18).  God designed that level of intimacy for marriage only (Eph 5:31).  Our Creator knows what is best for us, and His Bible says sex outside of marriage is a sin.  That is why you should wait.

Our daughter, who is seventeen and living at home, has a boyfriend who is nineteen.  He wants to move out on his own and experience something new.  What would be your advice/approach when dealing with them spending time together alone at his new place, going over to visit, watch movies, etc.  Although they have given us no reason to not trust them, I am having problems giving permission to this "alone” time.

Sincerely,
Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent,

Different parents will give different advice in these circumstances, but you aren’t crazy for having concerns.  The important thing is to be able to explain things to your daughter and her boyfriend in biblical terms.  Whatever your decision is, if you can give Scripture for your feelings, it will take the trust issues out of the picture.  As you said, it isn’t about these two trustworthy young people; it is about the natural temptations and passions of youth.  So here are some verses that can be used in your discussions:

1. God says that it is natural and normal for young people to be attracted to one another (1 Cor 7:9).  This is a natural part of the romance process, but it is also important for them to not put themselves in a position where this attraction can lead to regrettable decisions in the heat of the moment.
2. The Song of Solomon is a poetic book of the Bible devoted to romantic love.  The chorus of that song says, “don’t awaken or stir up love until he pleases” (Songs 3:5).  God’s warning to those in the courtship process is to not force things and not to go too fast.  The goal is to slow down and get to know the person… the risk of spending copious amounts of time alone is that the relationship begins to speed up in all the wrong ways.
3. A reputation is a difficult thing to build but an easy thing to destroy.  Your daughter and her boyfriend currently have good reputations, which are more valuable than riches (Pr 22:1).  Part of your job as parents is to help protect their good name.  When a young woman spends a lot of time at a single man’s apartment… it looks a certain way.  This is worth explaining to them.

You will need to decide what conversation to have with your daughter and her boyfriend when and if he gets an apartment, but those are some Bible verses to help provide context to the ground rules you will set.

Why has no one ever asked me out?

Sincerely,
Feeling Ugly

Dear Feeling Ugly,

One of our favorite verses in the Bible is Ps 27:14 which says, “Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.”  When we are waiting for that right person to come along, and especially when we desperately want to be noticed and seen by the opposite gender, it can be an unbelievably hopeless feeling… but wait on the Lord, and all things will work out (Rom 8:28).  Your plight is shared by millions of other potential suitors, and there are several ways to deal with your unfulfilled yearning for affection and companionship, but only one way that is biblical.

1. Begin to act in a way that will garner attention at any cost.  This sort of desperate behavior leads to lots of attention, but the wrong kind.  God makes it clear that you want to be noticed for your lovely spirit, not your body (1 Tim 2:9).
2. Switch to “hermit mode”, and give up.  This also isn’t the right attitude.  Many bitter and forlorn hearts have been created because people gave up hope too early.  Be still and know that He is God (Ps 46:10); God’s plans are always better than our own.
3. Learn to be content where you are in life, and be the best person you can be (Php 4:11).  When we learn to live faithfully and trust the Lord’s outcome, we have success because He exalts us in due time (1 Pet 5:6).  This is true in every area of life, including waiting for the right someone to come along.

Is it okay for me and my girlfriend to do stuff together (like sexual stuff) without having intercourse?

Sincerely,
Dating

Dear Dating,

There is a difference between romantic acts and sexual acts… and sexual acts are for marriage only.  There is a line between a gentle kiss of affection and a lustful kiss of sexual appetite.  Until marriage, it is important that you and your girlfriend avoid lustful situations altogether.  Paul told Timothy to “flee youthful lusts” (2 Tim 2:22), and 1 Thess 4:5 warns against the “passions of lust”.  Don’t defile the beauty of the marriage bed (Heb 13:4) by jumping into lustful activities before your vows.   If you do get married, there will be many blissful and happy years to enjoy each others’ physical attentions… and if she isn’t the one, you won’t later regret keeping yourself pure for your wife.