I am in a debate with my girlfriend about whether or not it is okay if we live together before we are married.  From a biblical standpoint, what is your take on that situation?  Am I in the wrong for wanting to before we are married?  I am curious for your interpretation and advice on it from a biblical standpoint.

 

Thanks.

Sincerely,
First Or Last Month’s Rent

First Or Last Month’s Rent,

We receive this question almost every day, and it would be very easy for us to refer you to previous posts like "Living Together" and call it good, but we here at AYP believe that this question is posed so often because of a deeper problem than people just not knowing what to do about sex, marriage, and living arrangements.

The reason people don’t get married – but instead (outside of marriage) have sex, live together, have children together, and eventually destroy their lives – is because we spend our lives making up the rules as we go.  We live our lives by the “what-makes-me-feel-good-right-now” philosophy.  We have no real standard to live by other than what we feel at the moment.  Like Pilate, we ask, “What is truth?” (Jhn 18:38) because we don’t know where to find the right answers to life.  How can we know what is the right thing to do?  Only the Creator can give us a rulebook for life that allows us to comfortably say, “I’m making the right choice.”  Jesus is the truth, the way, and the life (Jhn 14:6).  All the answers to life are found in His Scriptures (2 Pet 1:3).  If we want our relationships, our families, our careers, and our lives to work, we have to use the manual.  Ask for the Bible and nothing else.  We here at AYP would be happy to help you begin that journey by showing you what God has to say about getting your life right with Him.  E-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org.  And if you didn’t see it coming, getting your life right with Christ will involve not living together before you are married.

A friend that I have known for six years has feelings for me, but she has a bad habit of going to bars and drinking.  She claims to want a christian boyfriend, yet she is not willing to give up her current ways even after I have explained, using the Bible, why being a christian involves change.

After counseling from a church member, prayer, and reading the scriptures of King Solomon in the Bible, his folly revealed to me that I cannot be with her in a pure christian relationship.

After not reciprocating her emotions, she decided to move on and now has a boyfriend that goes to my church at home.  Is this a weaker christian falling for simply looks, or am I wrong with the message I thought the Holy Spirit revealed to me?

Sincerely,
Moral Moorings

Dear Moral Moorings,

You made the right choice, but without knowing the specifics of the new relationship she is in, we wouldn’t be quick to judge the new guy.  The Bible makes it clear that we must put our morals before anything else (Acts 5:29).  It is also clear that bad companions will corrupt good morals (1 Cor 15:33).  Furthermore, since christians should only date for the purpose of trying to find a future mate… immoral boyfriends/girlfriends are a bad decision.  Christians should only seek to marry others who are also “in the Lord” (1 Cor 7:39).

You are properly seeing the Scriptures (which is how the Holy Spirit reveals His will to us).  Solomon was destroyed by his ungodly wives (1 Kgs 11:4), a fate that you are wise to avoid.  Circumstances may have changed, or this woman’s character might have altered now that she is dating this other man, or he may simply have not planted his feet firmly enough to stand by his God… only God knows the specifics.  Regardless, you made the right and Biblical choice to place God before this woman.

My son and his "girlfriend" are coming to our house for a four-day visit. They have been living together for eight years and are not married.  Neither one is living a godly life.  My question: how do we handle the sleeping arrangements? And what do we tell them? They are arriving in a couple of days, and we need to handle this matter gently in order to keep our relationship. They have not spent an overnight at our house and limit their visits, and I'm sure this is the reason.

Sincerely, Empty Nester

Dear Empty Nester,

You cannot aid them in a sinful relationship. Their eight-year relationship is sinful and tragic. It is understandable that you want to keep a working relationship with them, but you can’t keep that relationship by compromising your morals. If you wish to live a godly life, you can’t yoke yourself to ungodly behavior (2 Cor 6:14). If your son were involved with the sin of murder, would you harbor him from the law? Though more socially acceptable, what they are doing is just as sinful.

Your relationship with them is strained because you choose a path of morality that makes them uncomfortable (Jhn 3:20). You can remove the strain from the relationship simply by ceasing to care about godliness. Of course, that would remove the value of your influence in their lives. You are indeed the salt of their life that constantly reminds them of their responsibility to their Creator (Matt 5:13). Make your stand and speak the truth in love (Eph 4:15). Regardless of what they choose, you can sleep with a clear conscience knowing that you obeyed God rather than men (Act 5:29).

I have been separated for almost nine years. My husband left me and is in another relationship. Recently, he attacked me in front of our eight year old and fractured my nose. I am filing for divorce now. I met a man in a Christian chat who is also separated, and his wife is seeing another man. He teaches youth in New Zealand as well lecturing in a Christian College there. He visited me once in March while in the USA. He now wants to come back in November to visit again. He plans on divorcing his wife in a little over a year, as their laws require a two year separation prior to divorce. Our relationship seems so godly since we haven't "sinned" - but I know I need counseling. I am seeking advice through you because I haven't told my pastor due to fear of being rejected by the church. Please help.

Sincerely, Seeking To Be Faithful

Dear Seeking To Be Faithful,

Your situation is a unique twist on an old problem, but the answer still remains the same – wait until you are both not married. It sounds like you both have legitimate reasons for seeking divorce from your current spouses. The only reason God ever allows for divorce is when adultery has occurred (Matt 5:32); sadly both of your spouses have done that. However, you are not officially divorced yet. Though it is unlikely that you will reconcile with your current spouses, you are still married. If you begin dating, you will be dating a married man, and he will be dating a married woman. That looks bad to everyone else, thus tainting your relationship in the eyes of others (Rom 12:17). Furthermore, it doesn’t just look bad – it is bad.

Since you have an eight-year-old, as a parent, you understand how quickly time goes by. In a year and a half, both of your lives will have changed dramatically, and you will be in an appropriate situation to decide whether to date each other. Even you admit that you need counseling as you go through a very difficult divorce. Your life and mind are not in a good position to be entering the dating world even if it were appropriate. There is a time for everything under the sun; now is a time to focus on picking up the pieces… not building new relationships (Eccl 3:1-8).

I am currently engaged to the woman I know I will spend the rest of my life with, but her and I are unaware of the limits we have sexually.  Since we are going to be married and truly have no desire to be with anyone else, is there anything in the Bible that says we shouldn't be able to have sex?

Sincerely, Can’t Wait To Be Married

Dear Can’t Wait To Be Married,

There is a lot in the Bible that says you shouldn’t have sex until you are married. Gen 2:24 shows that marriage is the point where you are allowed to become one flesh. 1 Cor 7:2 points out that it is considered fornication unless you are married. If you sleep together before marriage, it is wrong.

Since you are truly committed to each other, then commit to waiting until you are married. Otherwise, find yourself a Justice of the Peace and get married now. If you have to choose between waiting to marry while being consumed by lust and getting married a little earlier but being legitimate in the eyes of God – get married (1 Cor 7:9).