What does the Bible say about dating / courting?

 

Sincerely,
Maritally Minded

Dear Maritally Minded,

The Bible gives no specific statements about how to look for a future spouse. God instead speaks to the attitudes we must have and the dangers that exist in the world of romance.

1. Don't force it.  Song of Solomon is an entire book devoted to romance and marriage.  The chorus of that book is the same over and over (Songs 2:7) - it is a warning to avoid forcing relationships merely for the 'fun' of romance.
2. Avoid all appearances of evil (1 Thess 5:22).  Make sure to never put yourself in a situation with someone of the opposite sex that would compromise your (or their) reputation or morals.
3. Who they are matters more than how they look.  The Bible praises godly spouses for their character (Pr 31:10).  Beauty fades, but one's values endure.  Make sure you are spending your time getting to know the person for who they are and for what they find important.
4. Treat them with respect.  The Scriptures tell us to treat people of the opposite gender like brothers and sisters (1 Tim 5:2).  How would you want your siblings to be treated?  Make sure you are behaving in a godly way toward anyone you are dating or courting.
5. Surround yourself with godly advice.  When we are in the here and now of a romantic relationship, we often get caught up with our emotions and lose perspective.  That makes it especially important to get the advice of those around you who are wiser and less biased.  Parents, grandparents, and other trusted advisors should be sought out as you search for a mate.  Surrounding yourself with many good counselors protects you from making a emotional decision that has lifelong consequences (Pr 11:14).

Marriage is one of the greatest blessings that God gives mankind.  If we do it God's way, finding a spouse can be a joy and lead to a lifetime of happiness.

     My ex-girlfriend broke up with me some time ago.  In a way, I feel it was good because she was very worldly and not too into the things of God.  However, I still love her.  It's almost like I can't stop loving her.  For this reason, I have broken off all communication with her in hopes of losing the strong feelings I have for her.  Am I wrong for doing so?  Is it okay for believers to ignore people or shun them out of our lives?

Sincerely,
Cold Shoulder

Dear Cold Shoulder,

There is a time when it is appropriate to cut ties with someone.  1 Cor 15:33 says, “Bad company corrupts good morals.”  We are also told that believers shouldn’t yoke their lives to unbelievers (2 Cor 6:14).  It takes wisdom when to decide your life is getting too intertwined with someone who is worldly.  God tells us that we should be in the world but not of the world (1 Cor 5:10).  From what you have said, your case seems like a perfect example of the right time to distance yourself from someone.

    I have been a minister (ordained in the Baptist faith) now for nearly twenty-seven years.  My wife left me after twenty-eight years of marriage, and I'm currently still the pastor.  However, I need a helpmate.  I want to date, but all women are scared of dating a preacher.  I understand that, too.  I don't want to cause a "black eye" on the church, so here is my question:

I'm fifty-one and alone… if I start dating women, should I quit preaching?  Not quit serving God, NO!  Quit preaching.  I think that would look best on God and His church… not a denomination, but the church of all believers of the Son of God.  Please give your honest opinion.  Again, thanks for your honestly.

Sincerely,
Single Baptist

Dear Single Baptist,

You say that you don't believe in denominationalism, but you are preaching for a denomination.  You've been through a lot, and we cannot imagine the pain you must feel having your wife leave you – tragedies like your divorce are a time to evaluate quite a few things in life.  What if we told you that the Lord's church does exist without denominationalism?  What if we told you there are groups of people that do just what the Bible says without denominational ordainings, traditions, and hierarchies?  After twenty-seven years of preaching for a denomination, would you be willing to consider that the Lord's church isn't part of that world?  In the Lord's church, preachers are just men (Acts 14:15) and are treated like all other christians – even when it comes to dating.  There is another way; we urge you to read the article "Down With Denominationalism", and if you are interested, we would be happy to study these issues out with you.

Who I am going to marry?  Who do I love?  Does he love me?  How old am I?

Sincerely,
Go Ahead, Answer My Questions

Dear Go Ahead, Answer My Questions,

We are just men here at AYP and not prophets.  We can't tell you the specifics of your life and future.  However, we can give you some principles for how to look for a spouse.  Read "Dating" in our archives for some of the Bible teachings on finding a spouse.

My mom was adopted, so we don't know her family history well.  What would you do if you found out your boyfriend of twelve years maybe your cousin?  We have no children together.  He doesn't know we may be cousins... we live together... WHAT DO WE DO FROM HERE?

Sincerely,
Regretful Researcher

Dear Regretful Researcher,

The very first thing you need to do is stop living together before you are married.  More important than any biological issues your future children may have, you are sinning, and that is much worse than any physical problem.  The reason people don’t get married – but instead (outside of marriage) have sex, live together, have children together, and eventually destroy their lives – is because we spend our lives making up the rules as we go.  We live our lives by the “what-makes-me-feel-good-right-now” philosophy.  We have no real standard to live by other than what we feel at the moment.  Like Pilate, we ask, “What is truth?” (Jhn 18:38) because we don’t know where to find the right answers to life.  How can we know what is the right thing to do?  Only the Creator can give us a rulebook for life that allows us to comfortably say, “I’m making the right choice.”  Jesus is the truth, the way, and the life (Jhn 14:6).  All the answers to life are found in His Scriptures (2 Pet 1:3).  If we want our relationships, our families, our careers, and our lives to work, we have to use the manual.

Biblically, there is nothing wrong with marrying your cousin – people did it quite commonly just a couple generations ago.  You would have to consider the medical ramifications of having children, but that is a medical decision – not a moral one.  As we said, more importantly than anything else is that you make your lives right with God.