Is it okay to live together?

Sincerely, Not Yet Married

Dear Not Yet Married,

No, it is not okay to live together before marriage. God expects two people to get married before entering into a sexual relationship (1 Cor 7:2). Our society has stopped valuing the sanctity of marriage and consequently has led many people astray into thinking it isn’t important. It is a testament to how big a societal problem this has become that we receive this question so often (see this post and this one).

Marriage is one of the first things God ever created (Gen 2:23-25). Don’t listen to the modern philosophy that living together is good for a relationship. It is a sin (1 Cor 6:18). If you truly are committed to someone – make the relationship an honest one.

Is it biblical to make someone live as a hostage of conditional love? Would God make someone live alone when He Himself went through great lengths to have a relationship with man, even to the point that He wanted to drown all of humanity and start all over? I ask such questions due to the fact that there are certain religious sects that will not allow certain saints to find love after God has put asunder an abominable relationship. Here is a real situation: two dysfunctional kids, the boy just turned eighteen and the girl thirteen, and they were told they had to go into Mexico and not return without a marriage certificate. The girl grew up and realized she did not approve of the choices made for her and wanted an annulment. She was denied. This lady then went on to have multiple lovers throughout the twenty-two years of this terrible union. She eventually asked for a divorce, relinquished her parental rights, moved in with the man she was seeing, and then married him. Unfortunately, the man she was married to is not being allowed to find true love due to the fact that his spiritual peers say he cannot marry again because the woman is still his wife. Can this man have love?

Sincerely, Tragic Tale Bearer

Dear Tragic Tale Bearer,

The man is not married any longer. Yes, he has a right to remarry. Yes, this is a horrible story that punctuates why God hates divorce (Mal 2:16). So much goes wrong when people, for whatever reasons, enter into marriages hastily. Marriage is intended as a life-long agreement (1 Cor 7:39), and when it ends before “death do us part”, there is always sin involved. And wherever sin is, there is pain and suffering… even for christians (Heb 12:5-6). There is more than enough blame to grow around in situations of divorce, but ultimately we are left with the same reality – she committed adultery, and then they got a divorce. So what now?

The only reason that God permits christians to get divorced for is fornication (Matt 19:19). As you stated, that is what happened here. The man and woman are no longer married, and he has a right to find a new wife if he so chooses. Hopefully, if he ever does get married again, it will have a happier ending.

At what age should a parent talk to their child about the male/female relationship? It seems like public schools push the issue as soon as possible, but I would rather give my children God's viewpoint before they are exposed to the world’s viewpoint on what is appropriate behavior. When should this discussion take place, and what would be the best way to approach it?

Sincerely, Us Against The World

Dear Us Against The World,

Talk to your children about male/female relationships as soon as possible – in an age appropriate way. A three year old can understand that married people raise babies and that marriage is for life. Obviously, you would avoid the specifics until they are older. The Scriptures tell parents that they should be discussing life lessons with their children whenever the opportunities present themselves (Deu 11:19). You simply scale the lessons based upon age and maturity.

The world is your classroom! Use every circumstance possible to explain (in an age appropriate way) how your children should act as they get older, including how to act toward the opposite gender.

1. Even the youngest child can learn to dress modestly (1 Tim 2:9).
2. The sanctity of marriage can be taught to all ages (Mk 10:7).
3. Be sure to teach the importance of only marrying a godly spouse (1 Cor 7:39, Pr 31:10).
4. Teach them not to worry about rushing romance (Songs 3:5).
5. Show them how wives need love and husbands need respect (Eph 5:33).
6. Explain male and female roles in marriage (Tit 2:4-5, 1 Tim 5:8).

All of these lessons are a thousand times more important than the details of a sex education class found in the school system. Train them how to be adults now, and they will be ready when they get there (Pr 22:6). As topics come up naturally, explain to them God’s teachings on the subject. Every child is different, so the teaching will look different every time. But be like Philip; ask them questions (Acts 8:30-31), answer their questions (Acts 8:34), and start the teaching from wherever they are (Acts 8:35).

My girlfriend and I are considering moving out together this summer; we aren't engaged yet but have talked about it, and we strongly feel that God has put us together.  We have been going to church a lot lately and trying to keep our life straight; we have never had sex and have agreed not to until we are married, and since we wouldn't be having sex, would it be a sin to live together?

Sincerely, Home Hunting

Dear Home Hunting,

Moving in together would be a sin as well as a temptation toward further sin. No matter how pure our intentions might be, two people of the opposite sex living together looks bad. Even if you weren’t actually sleeping together, nobody would believe you. God tells us to abstain from every form of evil (1 Thess 5:22). The word ‘form’ in that verse literally means “shape or appearance”. Christians need to not only avoid sin - but avoid looking like they are sinning. A boyfriend and girlfriend living together (no matter how chaste) looks like a sinful relationship. The Bible also tells us to do the things which are ‘honorable in the sight of all men’ (Rom 12:17, 2 Cor 8:21). Consider what living together before marriage does to the honor of your girlfriend. God wants you to do what is in her best interest and uphold her reputation and honor.

Secondarily, the temptation to sleep together will certainly grow with living together. There is nothing abnormal about a man and a woman being strongly attracted to each other. God recognizes that young people naturally are inclined to burn with passion for the opposite sex (1 Cor 7:9). The key is to make sure you don’t put yourselves in a position that could compromise your integrity. We are to ‘flee fornication’ (1 Cor 6:18) and be wise as serpents in regard to righteousness (Matt 10:16). Don’t set yourselves up to sin.

The idea of living together before marriage is a modern one - not a Biblical one. Biblically speaking, if you aren’t ready to get married, you aren’t ready to live together. The deepest act of love you could show to your girlfriend would be to wait until you are ready for marriage.

What does the Bible say about two people sleeping in the same bed together if they aren't married but aren't having sex either?

Sincerely, Two In The Bed

Dear Two In The Bed,

If you are talking about two people of opposite gender who aren’t related to each other – you’ve got a problem. For the sake of brevity, I’m going to assume you aren’t talking about two brothers sharing a bed at Grandma’s house, or Great Aunt Bessie sharing a queen sized bed with Great Aunt Marge during a family reunion weekend. Everyone feels comfortable with those circumstances.

I’m guessing that you are asking whether or not two people who are of similar age and opposite gender can sleep (but not have intercourse) together. That situation isn’t honorable. God wants us to do that which is honorable in the sight of all men (Rom 12:17, 2 Cor 8:21). He also wants us to avoid all forms, which literally means ‘appearances’, of evil (1 Thess 5:22).

God tells us to treat young women as sisters and young men as brothers (1 Tim 5:1-2). Let me ask you...

1. Would you want a man sleeping in the same bed as your sister before they were married?
2. Would you advise your brother to sleep in the same bed as his girlfriend before they were married?
3. Would you want your son or daughter to sleep in the same bed with someone before they were married?

The advice we would give to our children and siblings is the same advice we should take ourselves. Flee immorality (1 Cor 6:18) and don’t put yourself in that situation.