I am pregnant and have an abusive boyfriend, both physically and emotionally.  I want to leave but don’t want to go through pregnancy alone, and I don’t want my baby to have no father figure.  I feel like God has wanted this for me and that I am now too old to find a partner in life.  Do I leave?

Sincerely,
Mother In Distress

Dear Mother In Distress,

Any man that beats women isn’t a father figure, so staying with him isn’t a blessing to your unborn child.  God tells us to train up a child in the way they should go so that when they are older, they won’t depart from the righteous path (Pr 22:6).  It is understandable that you are scared right now, and our hearts go out to you in your loneliness.  Just remember, life is too short to continue to walk down the wrong road – at some point, the brave thing to do is to turn around and start walking the right direction (Acts 17:30).  What kind of person do you want your child to become?  Whatever you want your child to be, you must first be for them.  By leaving an abusive relationship, fleeing sexual immorality, and turning to God, you will be starting a legacy of faith for your unborn son or daughter.  Your bravery will teach them to be brave.  Also, you don’t have to be alone in this… in fact, you shouldn’t be.  There are faithful congregations of godly people all over the country that can help you as you start on your new path.  Not all churches serve God, but we would be happy to help you find one in your area that is faithful and ready to help teach and encourage you through this new beginning.  E-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org if we can help you find a church near you.

(This post is a follow-up to the post “Set A Date”)

I saw your post about dating, but is it true that not every one is blessed?  I believe that not every one finds their love.  There are a lot of people out there without a wife or a husband.  I don’t believe that there is a girl or boy for everyone.

Sincerely,
Lone Star

Dear Lone Star,

Matt 19:12 says that there are three reasons that people decide to never marry.

1. They are born without a desire for marriage.
2. Life circumstances lead to their bachelorhood.
3. They choose to abstain from marriage so as to better serve God.

You are right that some people never get married.  Though the majority of people decide to, marriage isn’t necessary to serve God.

The other issue that you bring up is the idea that people have one right person for them to marry – a “soul mate”.  The Bible never teaches the idea that there is only one fish in the sea for each of us.  The Bible says a lot about how to find a godly spouse, but it never implies that there is only one right person for each of us.  If that were the case, it would be wrong to remarry after your spouse dies because you had already found “the one”, and any other marriage would be with someone that wasn’t your soul mate.

What does the Bible (and where) say about two people living together prior to marriage?

Sincerely,
Spare Key

Dear Spare Key,

Moving in together would be a sin as well as a temptation toward further sin. No matter how pure our intentions might be, two people of the opposite sex living together looks bad. Even if you weren’t actually sleeping together, nobody would believe you. God tells us to abstain from every form of evil (1 Thess 5:22). The word ‘form’ in that verse literally means “shape or appearance”. Christians need to not only avoid sin – but avoid looking like they are sinning. A boyfriend and girlfriend living together (no matter how chaste) looks like a sinful relationship. The Bible also tells us to do the things which are ‘honorable in the sight of all men’ (Rom 12:17, 2 Cor 8:21). Consider what living together before marriage does to the honor of your girlfriend/boyfriend. God wants you to do what is in their best interest and uphold their reputation and honor.

Secondarily, the temptation to sleep together will certainly grow with living together. There is nothing abnormal about a man and a woman being strongly attracted to each other. God recognizes that young people naturally are inclined to burn with passion for the opposite sex (1 Cor 7:9). The key is to make sure you don’t put yourselves in a position that could compromise your integrity. We are to ‘flee fornication’ (1 Cor 6:18) and be wise as serpents in regard to righteousness (Matt 10:16). Don’t set yourselves up to sin.

The idea of living together before marriage is a modern one – not a Biblical one. Biblically speaking, if you aren’t ready to get married, you aren’t ready to live together. The deepest act of love you could show to your girlfriend/boyfriend would be to wait until you are ready for marriage.

Why should I wait for sex?

Sincerely,
Just Askin’

Dear Just Askin’,

There are two ways to answer your question.  One way to answer your question would be to list the thousands of statistics that describe how much healthier of a lifestyle monogamy is.  We could explain the risks of promiscuity and the increased failure rate of relationships that pursue intimacy before marriage.  There are studies far and wide that prove the healthiest, happiest, and most well-adjusted relationships are monogamous relationships that wait until marriage… but that isn’t the way we are going to answer your question because as compelling as secular studies are, they aren’t nearly as compelling as the Bible.

The other way to answer your question is to tell you that God says sex outside of marriage is a sin and that we should flee all fornication (1 Cor 6:18).  God designed that level of intimacy for marriage only (Eph 5:31).  Our Creator knows what is best for us, and His Bible says sex outside of marriage is a sin.  That is why you should wait.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years, and we've been talking a lot about getting married.  I really love him, and he loves me, but he's leaving soon for the military.  I was wondering: if I went and lived on the base after I graduated, would that be against God's law?  I know it says in the Bible that you aren't supposed to live with your partner if you aren't married, but what if he didn't stay in the same place as me?

Sincerely,
Not Quite Mrs. Yet

Dear Not Quite Mrs. Yet,

Your question is an issue of wisdom, and there are several biblical principles to consider:

1. What will it look like to others if you are living on base as his “partner” without being married?  God tells us to avoid sin and all appearances of sin (1 Thess 5:22).  We should strive to do what is honorable to God and appears honorable to man (Rom 12:17).  Without knowing all the details, our guess is that most people would perceive that you have been sleeping together if you are living on base while he is overseas.  This needs to be taken into account.
2. If you are living in an arrangement that married people would live in… why aren’t you married?  Sometimes people marry too quickly, and sometimes people wait too long to marry.  God wants us to use wisdom and not jump too hastily into wedding vows, but He also tells young people to avoid a situation where they will burn for each other uncontrollably (1 Cor 7:8-9).  It may be that this potential living arrangement is a case of “playing with fire”, and it would be better off to marry (or live elsewhere) and remove all chance of sin.

Don’t mistake us; we cannot tell you that this arrangement would be overtly sinful (as you said, he wouldn’t even be living in the same place), but those are some Bible principles worth considering before you make a decision.