Is an adulterer able remarry after divorce, or are they to remain unmarried?

Sincerely,
Quizzical

Dear Quizzical,

Your question is an important one and is one that many christians wrestle with because of the high divorce rate in American society.  Adultery is wrong, and every divorce is caused because of sin.  God hates divorce (Mal 2:16), and His desire has always been for men and women to remain married for a lifetime (Matt 19:4-6).

Because of the complexities of this issue and because every circumstance is unique, we recommend that people with questions on this subject listen to the sermon series “Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage”, compare the sermons to Scripture, and then faithfully examine themselves to see whether they are living as God intended (Php 2:12).

Does Romans 7:1-3 imply divorce or a polygamist state when the woman marries another man?  Furthermore, if the verse implies divorce, does the wording of the verse convey that the woman will be in a continuous state of adultery? Since it would not be a one-time wrong against her husband, she would be in a continual state of adultery giving her the title of ‘adulteress’.

Sincerely,
Annulled And Void?

Dear Annulled And Void,

Romans 7:1-3 doesn’t state that she will be in a continuous state of adultery (none of the verb tenses specify continuous action), but it doesn’t necessarily state that she wouldn’t be.  Romans 7:1-3 isn’t really even focused on addressing marriage and divorce – it is using a simple truth (that marriage is intended to be for a lifetime) to illustrate that the Old Law had to pass away in order for the New Law to take over (Rom 7:4-6).  The verse doesn’t specifically imply divorce.  It simply says, “if she be joined to another man” (Rom 15:3)… that doesn’t mean she divorced her husband.  It is possible for someone to be joined to another without divorce – it is called ‘fornication’.  In short, all the verse is saying is that once you are married, you are bound to that spouse for life.  That is the normal circumstance of all marriages.  Other verses (such as Matthew 19:9 and 1 Cor 7:12-15) deal with abnormal marital circumstances.  If you would like more information on the topic of marriage, divorce, and remarriage, we recommend you listen to a series of lessons one of our AYP writers preached on the topic.  That series can be downloaded from here.

My husband had a stroke in 2005 and has been in a nursing home for three years.  I take good care of him and always will, but I need a life.  I’m so unhappy; I’m still young enough to have someone in my life.  I have met a wonderful man that I care about, but I don’t want to go to hell either.  Will God understand if I have this other man in my life?  I know I took my vows for in sickness and in health, and I will always be there, but I don’t want to be alone either.  Please help me in this matter.

Sincerely,
Almost A Widow

Dear Almost A Widow,

Every marriage begins with hopes and dreams for a wonderful and beautiful future, but unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way.  We are so very sorry for your husband’s sickness and the trials it has wrought for your marriage; we cannot imagine how difficult it has been.  However, you didn’t write to us for a listening ear – but for Bible answers.  As you said, your vows bind you to your husband through the good times and through the bad – til’ death do you part.  Those vows don’t go away just because things haven’t turned out as you both envisioned (Matt 5:37).  If you choose to begin a new romantic relationship, it is adultery… Romans 7:1-3 is very clear on that subject.  Your husband is alive, and you are still bound to him.  You are in our prayers during this very difficult time.

Can my boyfriend and I go before God and ask God to marry us without going to a church and receiving a piece of paper stating we are married? We don’t want to fornicate but want God to marry us.  We want the real thing.  I’ve been married two times before with a Justice of the Peace… but what could be better than going to God Himself to make our promise to keep regarding one another.  Will God bless us and consider us one?

Sincerely,
Without A Paper Trail

Dear Without A Paper Trail,

The problem with that kind of arrangement is that:

1. There is really no biblical precedent for being “married before God” and not married before the law and family.  Christians are supposed to obey the laws of the land (Rom 13:1-3).
2. You are putting yourselves in a position to look like you are living together without being married.  This means that you are sending the wrong message to mankind.  Christians are supposed to shine as lights in the world (Matt 5:16) and live a “good manner of life in Christ” that they may put to shame those who revile the name of Christ (1 Pet 3:16).
3. You are setting yourselves up to be deceptive.  When you file for taxes, are you going to say you aren’t married?

No matter how you slice it – it is better and biblical to be up front and legal before God and man.

I have a lot of questions concerning marriage.  I have studied the verses about marriage a lot, but there are a few things I am still unsure of.  I know God's structure for marriage (Eph 5:22-33, Col 3:18-19, etc.), and I do, in many ways, think it is beautiful.  I also know that God's Word is truth and that whatever He says is ultimately best for me (psalm 119:1-3), so the structure He has set up is the most ideal structure for marriage.

My question then is about what scares me, as a woman – that I have to trust someone with that kind of authority over me.  It seems unfair almost because I know that I am a capable person, so why must I be the one to submit simply because I am a woman?  A part of me feels bad questioning this because I feel like this should not rub me the wrong way the same way it does not appear to bother many of my married friends and older women that I have spoken with… but simply stated: it does bother me.  I feel guilty for not instantly wanting to do things God's way, but asking for this kind of trust in someone almost seems unreal to me.  The most important thing for me is to do things God's way, but I would like to know if there is any advice you could give me to make this easier.

On the same note, I feel very conflicted because I want to pursue a career and am currently in school for it.  I won’t graduate until I am twenty-two, and I know if I graduate, I will want to then work in the field I studied and worked hard to be certified in.  On the other hand, I am with someone, and we plan on getting married, and I would want to start a family with him closer to twenty than thirty... I guess what I am trying to explain is it has always been my dream to complete school and follow my career, but I also want a family.  I worry sometimes that maybe I am in the wrong for "not wanting all the things a woman should want" but for wanting a career too; at least, that is how every young ladies’ and women's class has ever made me feel.

I want to do things God's way, but I also want to be able to pursue my dreams, and it has, in turn, created a very big conflict in my life.  I would deeply appreciate your thoughts.

Sincerely,
Torn

Dear Torn,

The short answer to your question is: you have choices, and peace comes from knowing that whatever decisions are made are yours.  We really appreciate your forthrightness and humility; your struggle is actually the unseen struggle of many women.  Don’t take to heart what other women appear to think or feel about this subject; each heart knows its own burdens (Pr 14:10), and outward appearances can be deceiving.

You admit that God’s plan is for a husband to be the head of the household and for a wife to submit to his leadership (Eph 5:22-23), but the part of the equation you aren’t factoring in is that you get to choose who you enter into that agreement with.  In fact, there is nothing wrong with never marrying at all (Matt 19:12), and the unmarried are blessed with the benefit of being unburdened from a great deal of cares and responsibilities (1 Cor 7:32-35).  No one (including the Lord) is forcing you to be married.  Marriage brings untold benefits, but it comes with responsibilities and burdens that some do not wish to shoulder.  Men who marry must give up pursuits and freedoms, so they may provide for a family – just as much as women make sacrifices to be wives.  In the end, there is no sin in remaining unmarried or in getting married… merely consequences for both paths.

Secondly, every godly woman that submits to a husband does so of her own volition.  Whomever you marry will be your choice.  It isn’t as if you must marry the first ape-ish brute that comes down the pike.  God clearly wants you to pick a man that will love you and value your thoughts and help (Eph 5:25).  After all, God intended for Eve to be a help to Adam (Gen 2:18).  Don’t say, “I do” until you have found a man that loves the Lord, cherishes you, and values your worth.

As far as a career goes, we won’t beat around the bush – God wants the wife to be a worker at home first (Tit 2:5).  If you choose to get married and have a family, your husband and children need you as a worker at home first and foremost because raising the next godly generation is the most valuable and vital profession anyone could ever undertake.  However, many women (including the worthy woman of Proverbs 31) have found ways to fulfill their desires for work in the community either after the children are grown or in more creative ways from home.  You may find the skill sets you have acquired for your chosen career may provide you with abilities that are exceptionally useful in the home and in the church… only time will tell.

Every decision we make in life has consequences.  Every path chosen leaves a dozen other paths left untrodden.  Just remember, whatever your decision is, it is your choice to make (Eccl 11:9).