My question is: are there limitations on telling a lie?  My wife and I have been separated for nineteen months.  My wife is in a relationship presently and seems to be happy even though we are not divorced.  I pay child support for our daughter.  She has asked me to refinance my home and lower the house payment in order for her to make the house payments.  In order to do this, the mortgage company requires that I live there... which will not happen.  If I refinance and answer the question correctly, I will be lying and committing fraud.  Yet, if I don’t, they will lose the house because they are not able to make the mortgage payment.  I want to do the right thing according to God’s Word.

Sincerely,
From The Outside Looking In

Dear From The Outside Looking In,

Lying is never right.  God tells us to be plain and honest people – let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes’ and your ‘no’ be ‘no’ (Matt 5:37).  Doing the right thing is hardest when it costs us something… but that is part of taking up our cross and following Christ (Matt 16:24).  Be honest with your wife (who should not be in a relationship with another man… but that is a separate issue), and make it clear that you cannot refinance a home you aren’t living in – that is the law.  Who knows, it may make room for you to have a conversation about reconciliation (1 Cor 7:10-11).

(This question is a follow-up to “The Last Straw”)

I read your answer to my question. Yes, he did put himself in bad company which put him in the position to do the things he did.  He sees his mistakes by befriending these people and wants to become friends with the Lord.  I believe people can put themselves in situations for which they later have to suffer the consequences... and the consequences of this are a loss of trust and respect from me that he will have to show and earn back.  I also think that God can take anything from a person if they allow Him in their heart, and I feel that he wants this to happen.  It says in the Bible that good things can come of evil; could it be that the evil that was done was meant for not only him but me to become better friends with God?  I mean, we all make mistakes, and none of us are perfect, but does this mean we should throw people away for a wrong doing?  Before we became engaged, we seemed to have the same values, but somewhere around these bad people, he got lost in it.  People lose sight of God and lose their relationship with Him, but these same people can find their way back, right?

Yes, he would have to show me he can be trusted and prove that he would do right, and this will take time.  I, myself, am a recovering addict, and for eighteen years now, with God’s help, I have never looked back.  Shouldn’t I at the least allow him the chance to prove he can be strong enough to allow God to help him do the same for him?  Sometimes people only learn and grow through mistakes.  Thank you very much for giving me some Scriptures to help me.  I sometimes have a hard time finding my answers, but I pray, and that is how I ended up finding this website.

Sincerely,
Down With Drugs

Dear Down With Drugs,

There is nothing wrong with giving your fiancée a second chance as long as you realize the risk and the need to be careful before entering into marriage.  We do all make mistakes, and God constantly gives us second chances (Matt 18:21-22)… as long as you are aware that marriage isn’t a relationship that should begin until trust has been restored (remember, you know you can trust someone when their lifestyle has shown the fruits of change – Matt 7:16-20).  It is an admirable quality that you desire to help him and give him opportunity to start over.  It may very well be your kindness that helps him stay clean (Jas 5:20)… as long as you never forget that change is ultimately up to him (Php 2:12).

My fiancée is a recovering addict; he had been clean for a long time.  He used money to take care of responsibilities and also stole for the two weeks he went back to his addiction.  He moved back to his mother's house and has been gone a month.  He is asking to come home, and I am not sure of what to do.  I am trying to forgive him, but does forgiving him mean continuing letting him be a part of my life, or does forgiving him mean to just let it go as well as him?

Sincerely,
Down With Drugs

Dear Down With Drugs,

Forgiveness is not the same as trust.  We can forgive someone without trusting them.  You must also consider the fact that God tells us to avoid bad company because it will corrupt us (1 Cor 15:33).  Also, God doesn't want people to get married to someone who doesn't have the same values or standards because they will become unequally yoked to them (2 Cor 6:14).  Thirdly, it is important to remember that sometimes the loving thing to do for someone is to let them suffer the consequences of their choices.  It would be wrong for you to seek vengeance (Rom 12:19), but there is nothing wrong with letting people realize that their bad choices have consequences... such as a loss of trust, and in this case, the destruction of your engagement.

One final thing, we may have misunderstood you when you said he is "asking to come home", but if that means that he is wanting to live with you before you are married... that is always wrong and should be avoided as well (1 Cor 6:18).

(This article is a response to “His And Her Beliefs”)

Thank you very much for your response.  While it is very unlikely that my viewpoint will ever change, I would love for you to point me in the direction of scientific proof of God's existence.  Like most atheists I know, I am always open to learning new things.

Being married to a christian has not changed my behavior at all.  I was a good, moral, and decent person before... and I still am.  Many uneducated people think that atheists are evil or devoid of morality.  But that would imply that christians are only moral out of fear or that only christians are moral people.  And, in my opinion, that is a pretty big judgment for a christian.

I looked through some previous questions posted on your website, and I have to say... one of them offended me tremendously.  A young woman asked if she should marry her atheist boyfriend.  You replied, “Right now, your boyfriend doesn’t impose his beliefs on you because he is still courting your affections; once you are married, that will change – it always does.”  Again... I consider that a very biased judgment.  I have NEVER imposed my beliefs on my husband, and I never would.  I support his beliefs 100%.  I don't share his beliefs, but I love that Christianity satisfies his spiritual needs.  You also said, “Marriage is a permanent decision; you can’t trust this man to abide by the same rules of marriage as you will.  Religion is the most important factor in a marriage because it affects your morals, how you raise children, your finances, your hobbies, how you treat one another, and a thousand other elements of your future.”  Like I stated before, my husband and I have a wonderful marriage, and although our views on God differ, we are still more than capable of compromising and working together to make our life the way we want it.  And neither of us have to give in and do anything that goes against our morals.  I don't cheat on my husband, lie to him, treat him badly, nor do either one of us force our own religious or spiritual beliefs on each other.  Judge lest ye be judged.

Sincerely,
Atheist Bride

Dear Atheist Bride,

Probably our best articles on the subject of God's existence are "Does God Exist?" and "God Is Alive".  Both those articles provide lots of information as well as additional books and resources that you and your husband could discuss together.

We never meant to imply that all atheists are devoid of morality; that isn't true.  The point is that your basis for morality is personal and subjective, and christianity is based off of a concrete and objective moral standard.  Christians believe that God created us, and His Word is the standard for morality (2 Tim 3:16-17)... atheists don't have that common standard.  We are very happy that your marriage is so successful, but in the many decades of combined counseling that our AYP writers have, you are a singular exception.

Purely out of theological curiosity, we'd love to learn from your experience as an atheist.  Why do you behave in a moral way?  Where do you get your standard for what is moral and immoral?  Would you consider it wrong for someone to murder/rape/torture someone else, and if so, why would you consider it wrong?  Our understanding of atheism is that humans are no different from the rest of the animal kingdom, and animals do all of those things to each other on a regular basis.  Our goal isn't to be rude – but to understand how an atheist comes to the conclusion that it is important to be decent and moral.  We look forward to your insight.

I have been married to the most wonderful man I have ever known for over nine years.  We have a wonderful marriage; we rarely argue, we discuss things fairly, and we communicate and compromise very well.  We are strong together and very, very happy.  There is only one problem.  I am an atheist.  My husband is a christian.  I do not try to change his mind or 'convert' him.  I was raised in a christian home, so I understand his feelings about my faith... or lack thereof.  He worries about my salvation, and he is quite upset that when he gets to heaven, I won't be there.  Becoming an atheist was a slow and emotional process for me.  When we married, I 'believed' in God, but my belief was based only on fear.  I did a lot of research on many different religions of the world, and the more I read, the more atheism made sense to me.  I love him, and his faith makes him happy, so I am 100% supportive of it.  But I cannot force myself to believe in something that I don't.

My husband and I found a Bible verse a few days ago, and I have asked every christian person that I personally know, and the answer is always different, so my husband suggested I find a website like yours (thank you, Google) and ask the experts, so to speak.  I do not know what your experience is, but I am assuming that since you are a preacher, and this is your line of work, maybe you can help clarify our interpretation of this verse.  Everyone interprets the Bible differently, and who is to say which interpretation is correct?  That's where I'm hoping you will come in.  My hope is to put my husband's mind at ease.  We do not intend to divorce.  That is NOT an option.  We have heard that from another preacher, so I'll just tell you up front that although we will value and appreciate your opinion, your opinion will not end our marriage.

1 Corinthians 7:12-14 says:
"To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her.  And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.  For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband.”

Dictionary.com defines sanctify as such:
sanc·ti·fy   [sangk-tuh-fahy]
–verb (used with object), -fied, -fy·ing.

1. to make holy; set apart as sacred; consecrate.

2. to purify or free from sin

3. to impart religious sanction to; render legitimate or binding: to sanctify a vow.

4. to entitle to reverence or respect.

5. to make productive of or conducive to spiritual blessing.

Our interpretation, put bluntly, is that because of his faith, I get a free ticket to heaven (IF I'm wrong about my beliefs).  My Aunt (who is VERY religious) says that my interpretation is impossible because the Bible says that the ONLY way to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven is to accept Christ as your Lord and Savior… and that my interpretation contradicts everything the Bible says (hence, my atheism).  But you can look for yourself.  The verse I quoted is in there, too.

So... please help us.  Give us, especially my husband, some guidance in our situation.  Thank you very much for your time.

Sincerely,
Atheist Bride

Dear Atheist Bride,

Whenever we deal with verses in the Bible, it is very important that we remember that no single verse can be viewed without comparing it with other verses.  It is the sum of all God's Word on any given topic that gives us the truth (Ps 119:160).  The only way for someone to be saved is through Christ (Jhn 14:6); it is impossible to be saved unless we accept Christ by faith (Eph 2:8).

However, the word 'sanctified' doesn't just refer to salvation.  In its most basic sense, the word 'sanctify' simply means 'to be set apart'.  People married to christians are different than those married to unbelievers.  The constant influence and contact that occurs from being married to a christian increases your likelihood of ever obeying the truth.  As 1 Cor 7:16 points out, that influence can eventually lead to the salvation of the unbelieving spouse.  By no means does 1 Cor 7 imply that the unbeliever receives a free ticket to heaven... we all have to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling (Php 2:12).

On a separate note, we here at AYP can commiserate with your frustration over fear-based belief in God... we believe the scientific evidence should be the basis for belief in God.  If you are ever interested, we would be happy to point you toward what we believe is the best evidence for God's existence.  Otherwise, at the very least, hopefully we have provided some clarity on 1 Corinthians 7.