My boyfriend and I have been together for five and a half years.  Since graduating college, we have been working and getting ready to apply to graduate school.  We plan to get married but agree that the right time may not be for another four years.  Is it possible to have a secret Christian marriage now and a "real" wedding for family and friends when we are financially prepared?  Saving sex for marriage is very important to us, even though we are (and have been for some time) sexually ready.  Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,
Bride-To-Be

Dear Bride-To-Be,

Secrecy is never a good idea… but especially when that secret will affect your marriage, your family, your reputation, tempt you to sin, and degrade your influence as christians – a secret marriage would do all of those things.  Have you considered:

1. There is really no Biblical precedent for being “married before God” and not married before the law and family.  Christians are supposed to obey the laws of the land (Rom 13:1-3).
2. You would be putting yourselves in a position where you look like you are living together (or sleeping together) without being married.  This means that you are sending the wrong message to mankind.  Christians are supposed to shine as lights in the world (Matt 5:16) and live a “good manner of life in Christ” that they may put to shame those who revile the name of Christ (1 Pet 3:16).
3. You are setting yourselves up to be deceptive.  When you file for taxes, are you going to say you aren’t married?  If great aunt Elma asks when you were married… what will you say?  There are lots of problems with this arrangement.
4. What will you tell your children down the road?  Will you lie to them about when you were married?  Will you tell them the whole story, and would you feel comfortable with them doing the same when they get to that stage of life?

All of these are potential pitfalls to a secret marriage arrangement.  The truth sets us free (Jhn 8:32), and deception ensnares us.  However, we would offer you an alternative.  God specifically teaches that it is better to marry than to burn (1 Cor 7:9).  There is nothing dishonorable with marrying when you are poor.  Keep the ceremony simple and small, be honest about your financial situation, and make it clear that you would rather be poor and married than wait to begin your life together.  It is obvious that you are committed to each other (five and a half years!), so there isn’t an issue of this being a snap decision.  After all, you can always have a lavish renewal of vows ceremony at your five-year anniversary.

Where is it in the Bible that God says the only time you should have intercourse is to make babies and no other time... or is that true?

Sincerely,
Kids In Mind

Dear Kids In Mind,

Sexual relations within marriage are not only for procreation; they are also a blessing from God.  Pr 5:18-19 talks about rejoicing in marital intimacy and being intoxicated with the love of your spouse.  1 Cor 7:2-4 points out that marital relations are intended to keep both spouses from fornication because they will find joy in each other instead of in adultery.

I have recently asked a woman to marry me.  We are both christians and have taken the christian steps towards marriage (abstinence and christian counseling).  I just have a strong feeling this marriage may be against God's will.  I foolishly did not pray before becoming engaged, and now I feel God is warning me that I am not in His will.  If you have any Scriptures or suggestions on finding God's will concerning marriage, please let me know.  Thank you so much for all you do.  God Bless you.

Sincerely,
Cold Feet

Dear Cold Feet,

The Bible is only specific about one prerequisite for marriage; everything else is a matter of wisdom and preference.  Christians should only marry other christians (those who are “in the Lord” – 1 Cor 7:39).  Beyond that, it is important to consider the wisdom of the situation.  Is she someone you can love and care for through the years, and do you believe she will trust you to lead her (Eph 5:33)?

There is no hard and fast rule for who is the right person to marry.  It isn’t too late to pray and ask for wisdom (Jas 1:5).  Since you are already receiving marriage counseling, this may be a question to privately pose to the counselor.  There is obviously more specific details that have been consciously or subconsciously bothering you.  She may be a wonderful match, but it is important that you know where you stand before you make a lifetime commitment (Rom 7:2).

Is it wrong for a black and white to be in love?

Sincerely,
Gray Matters

Dear Gray Matters,

There is absolutely nothing wrong with interracial marriage.  First of all, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve (Gen 3:20), and, therefore, race is a moot point.  Secondly, in Christ, such things as race have no significance (Gal 3:27-28).  The only concern you should have when falling in love and marrying is whether or not they are “in the Lord”, i.e. a christian (1 Cor 7:39).

My friend’s husband is a pastor who fell in love with his secretary.  He divorced his wife of 30+ years with which he had two grown children.  The pastor of that church (location omitted – AYP) asked for the secretary’s hand in marriage.  They are divorced now; his ex-wife is monetarily depressed and depressed.  She tries to help her firstborn (he has an unsteady job and is thirty-seven years old), yet she is becoming homeless.  Is there a scripture that shows where her ex-husband shouldn’t be preaching?

Sincerely,
Friend Of The Forlorn

Dear Friend Of The Forlorn,

Those whose lives are in direct contradiction to Scripture should not preach.  Lk 6:43-45 says that we can know the difference between good and bad preachers by the fruits that their lives bear.  It is a horrible reality that the religious world is full of people who preach one thing and then live another.  Paul specifically told Timothy (a young preacher) that how he lived was a big part of preaching (1 Tim 4:12).  With all of the bad press that the Bible has received because of adulterous preachers, church scandals, etc., God’s Word has been mistreated and abused for unhealthy gain (1 Tim 6:5).  Unfortunately, with all the immorality in religion, many people have forgotten that it shouldn’t be this way.