Is it a sin to not have sex with your spouse?

Sincerely,
Marital Duty

Dear Marital Duty,

Yes, it is a sin unless it is done by mutual agreement.  Paul teaches on this subject in 1^st Corinthians.  1 Cor 7:1-2 states that one of the purposes of marriage is to fulfill sexual urges in a way that keeps both spouses free from the temptation of immoral sexual behavior.  Since this is one of the purposes of marriage, neither the husband nor the wife have the right to deny each other (1 Cor 7:3-4).  The only exception to this rule is that they may mutually agree to separate for a time (1 Cor 7:5-6).

I've been married for over a decade and born again for that long also, but there is a sinful problem in my life.  I haven't physically slept with anyone, but I struggle with flirting, porn, and putting myself in compromising situations.  I talked to many people (pastors, friends, etc., even my wife).  I still haven't overcome it yet.  I exhausted these talks with my wife; it's starting to bring her down, so now, I keep it to myself.  Is there any hope of freedom for me, or am I stuck this way for life?  If you can help me, write back, please.

Sincerely,
Enslaved

Dear Enslaved,

The Bible makes several statements about sexual sins and how to avoid them:

1. Flee fornication (1 Cor 6:18).  Keeping yourself out of compromising situations is a logistical decision.  Put accountability software like Covenant Eyes on your computer and only use it in a public area.  Stay away from social situations and places that are a temptation.  In short, don’t put yourself somewhere where you can make a bad decision.
2. Replace bad habits with good ones (Lk 11:24-26).  Make a decision to court and flirt with your wife.  Find joy in the wife of your youth (Pr 5:18).  Make it your personal campaign to rekindle the joy and happiness of your marriage.  Take all of that wasted energy and apply it to a godly romance.  Your current choices are destroying your wife and marriage… this will do the exact opposite.

These two habits are stressed over and over again in the Scriptures.  The last thing that we would recommend is what you are already doing.  By using this site and talking to others, you are surrounding yourself with good counsel (Pr 15:22).

I have been talking to this guy for about seven months now.  We live in different cities.  I have fallen in love with him, and he has with me, too.  Here is the problem: he is married, but the two have never lived in the same house, shared debts, supported each other, and her family has him followed and is always putting him down.  Yes, they have had relations, and he wants a divorce but doesn't believe he has biblical grounds to do so.  Does he have grounds to divorce her and marry me (which is what he wants to do in his heart, but he is afraid that if we do, then we are committing adultery, but he already has done that in his heart and isn't sorry that he has fallen in love with me)?  I need help fast.

Sincerely,
Not His Wife

Dear Not His Wife,

He has absolutely no grounds to divorce her, and any level of romantic relationship that you two share is sinful and dangerous.  Regardless of the state of his marriage… he is married.  The fact that he has been rationalizing an extramarital affair for the last seven months hasn’t made it right.  It is important to realize that following your heart isn’t the same as doing the right thing (Pr 12:15).  In fact, doing the right thing is often a matter of doing the exact opposite of what we want to do (Matt 16:24).

If you choose to willfully sin, your soul is in eternal peril (Heb 10:26).  The best thing you can do for yourself and for him is to cut this relationship off.  There are many wonderful men in this world that you may pursue that won’t send you to hell.

Is it true that when Jesus comes back and we go with Him, we will no longer be married to our spouses?  I just found the love of my life.  I believe Jesus is coming soon; can you help with this question?

Sincerely,
In Love

Dear In Love,

We won’t be married in heaven, but we will be closer to our loved ones than we can even imagine.  Jesus says in Matt 22:30 that there will be no marriage in heaven.  However, in heaven, there will be no sorrow, no death, no sin, and no pain (Rev 21:3-4).  Heaven will be full of the most healthy and fulfilling relationships that mankind is capable of having.  Just make sure you and your spouse both put God first, so you can see each other there!

I am a saved person and believe that Jesus died for my sins, and now I am saved and love my Lord.  I have been married to my husband for five years, and his children have treated me with hatred and contempt.  My husband is a christian, can lay on hands, and speak in tongues.  But instead of stopping their bad behavior, he lets them continue, and he says their behavior is my fault.  I do not smile or have joy, only if I'm in church.  My question is: can I commit suicide and still go to heaven?  Just can't take much more days of crying and hurt.

Sincerely,
Not A Wicked Stepmother

Dear Not A Wicked Stepmother,

Suicide is murder, self-murder, and is therefore very clearly a sin (Rev 21:8).  The only difference between suicide and murdering someone else is that you don’t get a chance to repent after suicide.  Suicide is a final decision and leaves no room for correction or for asking forgiveness.  Therefore, in most cases, it would be fair to say that suicide will send you to hell.  It is a willful act of disobedience against God without opportunity for repentance.

The only reason we here at AYP hesitate to say, “All people who commit suicide go to hell,” is because God never specifically makes that statement.  The final judgment belongs to God (Heb 12:23), but we certainly wouldn’t want to face that judgment with our own blood on our hands.

There is always a way of escape from the temptation to sin (1 Cor 10:13).  There are other options, and there is help.  If you'd like someone in your area to help you through your struggle and the conflicting messages you are receiving, we would be happy find a faithful congregation in your area to help bring you comfort and truth.  Please don't give up hope.

The Lord does provide relief through His Word (Acts 20:32).  From what you have said about speaking in tongues, laying on of hands, etc. – we fear that you may not be getting the full picture of what the Lord’s will is for His church and family (1 Tim 3:15).  We know of many preachers across the country ready and willing to help people like yourself come to a more complete understanding of the Lord’s ways.  E-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org if you would like a preacher from your area to contact you.