I have been separated for almost nine years. My husband left me and is in another relationship. Recently, he attacked me in front of our eight year old and fractured my nose. I am filing for divorce now. I met a man in a Christian chat who is also separated, and his wife is seeing another man. He teaches youth in New Zealand as well lecturing in a Christian College there. He visited me once in March while in the USA. He now wants to come back in November to visit again. He plans on divorcing his wife in a little over a year, as their laws require a two year separation prior to divorce. Our relationship seems so godly since we haven't "sinned" - but I know I need counseling. I am seeking advice through you because I haven't told my pastor due to fear of being rejected by the church. Please help.

Sincerely, Seeking To Be Faithful

Dear Seeking To Be Faithful,

Your situation is a unique twist on an old problem, but the answer still remains the same – wait until you are both not married. It sounds like you both have legitimate reasons for seeking divorce from your current spouses. The only reason God ever allows for divorce is when adultery has occurred (Matt 5:32); sadly both of your spouses have done that. However, you are not officially divorced yet. Though it is unlikely that you will reconcile with your current spouses, you are still married. If you begin dating, you will be dating a married man, and he will be dating a married woman. That looks bad to everyone else, thus tainting your relationship in the eyes of others (Rom 12:17). Furthermore, it doesn’t just look bad – it is bad.

Since you have an eight-year-old, as a parent, you understand how quickly time goes by. In a year and a half, both of your lives will have changed dramatically, and you will be in an appropriate situation to decide whether to date each other. Even you admit that you need counseling as you go through a very difficult divorce. Your life and mind are not in a good position to be entering the dating world even if it were appropriate. There is a time for everything under the sun; now is a time to focus on picking up the pieces… not building new relationships (Eccl 3:1-8).

I am currently engaged to the woman I know I will spend the rest of my life with, but her and I are unaware of the limits we have sexually.  Since we are going to be married and truly have no desire to be with anyone else, is there anything in the Bible that says we shouldn't be able to have sex?

Sincerely, Can’t Wait To Be Married

Dear Can’t Wait To Be Married,

There is a lot in the Bible that says you shouldn’t have sex until you are married. Gen 2:24 shows that marriage is the point where you are allowed to become one flesh. 1 Cor 7:2 points out that it is considered fornication unless you are married. If you sleep together before marriage, it is wrong.

Since you are truly committed to each other, then commit to waiting until you are married. Otherwise, find yourself a Justice of the Peace and get married now. If you have to choose between waiting to marry while being consumed by lust and getting married a little earlier but being legitimate in the eyes of God – get married (1 Cor 7:9).

What are the rules for remarrying if you are a widow?  If a woman is past child-bearing age and wants to marry again, is this okay?

Sincerely,
Mind Your Maritals

Dear Mind Your Maritals,

It is perfectly all right for a widow to remarry after her spouse’s death. In fact, God encourages it. The apostle Paul told widows, especially young widows, to remarry and start a new life (1 Tim 5:14). God wants us to move on after the death of a loved one. Mourning is a very important process that shouldn’t be neglected, but the time for mourning isn’t forever (Eccl 3:4). There are no age restrictions on a widow remarrying. If someone is widowed, death has ended her marriage contract, and she is free to pursue matrimony again (1 Cor 7:39).

Does Matthew 19:9 teach that a christian who commits adultery and is divorced can't remarry? What about when that adultery occurs before one becomes a Christian?

Sincerely, Marriage Matters

Dear Marriage Matters,

Matt. 19:9 does not address remarriage or what happens after divorce. That verse is part of Jesus’ answer to the question the Pharisees asked in Matt 19:3. The Pharisees wanted to know when it was permissible for a man to divorce his wife. Christ’s answer revolves around the question, “Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for any cause?” Jesus’ answer: It is only permissible in the case of fornication.

Matt. 19:9 is not an answer to the question of what happens after divorce, but it is merely an answer to the question of when is it lawful for a christian to seek a divorce. Jesus is emphasizing that if a christian gets divorced for any reason other than fornication, then that person is going to be committing fornication themselves.

Matt. 19:9 is often used to discuss what happens after divorce, but that is using the verse out of context. That particular verse does not address what happens after divorce; it only addresses when a divorce is lawful. You would have to go to other verses to find out what God says happens after a divorce.

Is it okay to live together?

Sincerely, Not Yet Married

Dear Not Yet Married,

No, it is not okay to live together before marriage. God expects two people to get married before entering into a sexual relationship (1 Cor 7:2). Our society has stopped valuing the sanctity of marriage and consequently has led many people astray into thinking it isn’t important. It is a testament to how big a societal problem this has become that we receive this question so often (see this post and this one).

Marriage is one of the first things God ever created (Gen 2:23-25). Don’t listen to the modern philosophy that living together is good for a relationship. It is a sin (1 Cor 6:18). If you truly are committed to someone – make the relationship an honest one.