My mom was adopted, so we don't know her family history well.  What would you do if you found out your boyfriend of twelve years maybe your cousin?  We have no children together.  He doesn't know we may be cousins... we live together... WHAT DO WE DO FROM HERE?

Sincerely,
Regretful Researcher

Dear Regretful Researcher,

The very first thing you need to do is stop living together before you are married.  More important than any biological issues your future children may have, you are sinning, and that is much worse than any physical problem.  The reason people don’t get married – but instead (outside of marriage) have sex, live together, have children together, and eventually destroy their lives – is because we spend our lives making up the rules as we go.  We live our lives by the “what-makes-me-feel-good-right-now” philosophy.  We have no real standard to live by other than what we feel at the moment.  Like Pilate, we ask, “What is truth?” (Jhn 18:38) because we don’t know where to find the right answers to life.  How can we know what is the right thing to do?  Only the Creator can give us a rulebook for life that allows us to comfortably say, “I’m making the right choice.”  Jesus is the truth, the way, and the life (Jhn 14:6).  All the answers to life are found in His Scriptures (2 Pet 1:3).  If we want our relationships, our families, our careers, and our lives to work, we have to use the manual.

Biblically, there is nothing wrong with marrying your cousin – people did it quite commonly just a couple generations ago.  You would have to consider the medical ramifications of having children, but that is a medical decision – not a moral one.  As we said, more importantly than anything else is that you make your lives right with God.

Is sex before marriage a sin and why?

Sincerely,
Unvowed

Dear Unvowed,

Sex before marriage is a sin.  From the very beginning, God designed marriage as the realm for sexual relations (Gen 2:24).  1 Cor 7:1-2 states that any relations outside of marriage are fornication.  God tells us to flee all fornication (1 Cor 6:18).  Even though sexual immorality is rampant in our culture and accepted by our society, that doesn’t make it right.  Christians are called to honor God and honor marriage by leaving the marriage bed pure and undefiled (Heb 13:4).

(This post is a follow-up to the post “Set A Date”)

I saw your post about dating, but is it true that not every one is blessed?  I believe that not every one finds their love.  There are a lot of people out there without a wife or a husband.  I don’t believe that there is a girl or boy for everyone.

Sincerely,
Lone Star

Dear Lone Star,

Matt 19:12 says that there are three reasons that people decide to never marry.

1. They are born without a desire for marriage.
2. Life circumstances lead to their bachelorhood.
3. They choose to abstain from marriage so as to better serve God.

You are right that some people never get married.  Though the majority of people decide to, marriage isn’t necessary to serve God.

The other issue that you bring up is the idea that people have one right person for them to marry – a “soul mate”.  The Bible never teaches the idea that there is only one fish in the sea for each of us.  The Bible says a lot about how to find a godly spouse, but it never implies that there is only one right person for each of us.  If that were the case, it would be wrong to remarry after your spouse dies because you had already found “the one”, and any other marriage would be with someone that wasn’t your soul mate.

We are born-again christians who have been invited to a wedding ceremony led by a shaman.  The groom believes in Buddhism.  The bride is going along for the ride since she does not practice her christian faith.  I know that, at times, we should hate the sin but love the sinner.  Should we go?  Is it against our faith to do so?

Sincerely,
Wedding Guests

Dear Wedding Guests,

It is not inherently wrong to go to a wedding that involves false religion.  If it were a Catholic wedding, you probably would go, and they are just as wrong as the shaman.  Having said that, this wedding probably feels worse because the ceremony doesn’t even pretend to call on the name of Christ.  This is an issue of wisdom, and you will have to prayerfully make the decision for yourselves after considering the following Bible principles:

1. You should never do anything against your conscience.  Your conscience is that part of you that makes you feel bad if you do what you think is wrong, and it makes you feel good if you do what you think is right.  Your conscience isn’t always correct, but we are told to always strive for a pure conscience (2 Tim 1:3, 1 Tim 1:5).  Even if you know that you can go to this wedding, if you can’t feel good about it – you shouldn’t go.
2. It is also important to consider your influence.  Do you believe you will make more of an impact with the couple by going to the wedding or by refusing to go?  Matt 5:16 says that we should let our light shine, so others may see our good works and glorify God.  You mentioned that the bride is an apathetic believer… would making a stand show her that she needs to deal with her faith (or lack thereof)?  It may be that not going will burn bridges, or it might be that it will start a dialogue… only you can decide which is the right course.
3. Do you believe that going to this wedding would show that you approve of their religious views?  God tells us to never become partners with idolatry (2 Cor 6:14-16).  There is a distinction between attending a wedding and participating in its religious sentiments; it is a fine line but one that you must consider.  Are you supposed to be in the wedding?  Will they be asking you to partake in some sort of Buddhist rituals?  These are questions worth asking.  In fact, asking the bride and groom about the details of the wedding may be the way to have the dialogue you are hoping for.

All in all, these principles can help you to make a decision that is faithful to the Lord, your conscience, and your influence in the world.

What does the Bible (and where) say about two people living together prior to marriage?

Sincerely,
Spare Key

Dear Spare Key,

Moving in together would be a sin as well as a temptation toward further sin. No matter how pure our intentions might be, two people of the opposite sex living together looks bad. Even if you weren’t actually sleeping together, nobody would believe you. God tells us to abstain from every form of evil (1 Thess 5:22). The word ‘form’ in that verse literally means “shape or appearance”. Christians need to not only avoid sin – but avoid looking like they are sinning. A boyfriend and girlfriend living together (no matter how chaste) looks like a sinful relationship. The Bible also tells us to do the things which are ‘honorable in the sight of all men’ (Rom 12:17, 2 Cor 8:21). Consider what living together before marriage does to the honor of your girlfriend/boyfriend. God wants you to do what is in their best interest and uphold their reputation and honor.

Secondarily, the temptation to sleep together will certainly grow with living together. There is nothing abnormal about a man and a woman being strongly attracted to each other. God recognizes that young people naturally are inclined to burn with passion for the opposite sex (1 Cor 7:9). The key is to make sure you don’t put yourselves in a position that could compromise your integrity. We are to ‘flee fornication’ (1 Cor 6:18) and be wise as serpents in regard to righteousness (Matt 10:16). Don’t set yourselves up to sin.

The idea of living together before marriage is a modern one – not a Biblical one. Biblically speaking, if you aren’t ready to get married, you aren’t ready to live together. The deepest act of love you could show to your girlfriend/boyfriend would be to wait until you are ready for marriage.