When is the proper time to remove your wedding rings after your spouse dies?  I have been a widow for the past four years, and every time I feel that I should remove my rings, I feel like I am being unfaithful to my husband.  We were married for nineteen years before he died of cancer.

 

Sincerely,
Ring-Bearer

Dear Ring-Bearer,

You are not being unfaithful to your deceased husband by taking off your wedding rings.  Your love and adoration for him is impressive, especially in an era when divorce runs rampant.  If only more people took marriage as seriously as you.  Having said that, though your memories of him live on, you are no longer bound by your marriage contract.  When your husband died, you became free to remarry (1 Cor 7:39).  Jesus says that in heaven, we will neither be married nor given in marriage (Matt 22:30).  Your husband has moved on to await the Judgment (Heb 9:27), and you may – with clear conscience – start a new life.  You are not harming him nor are you defiling his memory by moving forward.

Sometimes when women have gotten together, there has been the comment of, “If my husband commits adultery, I don't want to know.”  My question is: what does God think about this?  If the husband has asked God to forgive him, does he have the right to keep that kind of secret from his spouse, or does he still have the responsibility to make it right as far as he has made it wrong?  Would it still be a deception?

 

Sincerely,
Give Me The Truth

Dear Give Me The Truth,

The Bible never says what sins we must confess to man and what sins we can keep between ourselves and God.  If the wife directly asks whether or not adultery has been committed, the husband would certainly have to answer truthfully (1 Jn 1:10).  However, if the question isn’t directly asked, the water gets a little murkier as to what must be done.

The Bible answer to this question is simply: it depends.  The Bible certainly tells us there are times that we should confess our sins one to another (Jas 5:16).  It also teaches that a marriage is supposed to be the most intimate relationship that we have in this life (Eph 5:31).  On top of that, when adultery is committed, divorce is permissible (Matt 5:32).  It would seem appropriate to let the injured spouse know that they have that option available to them when they had been wronged so grievously.  These three concepts would lean towards telling the spouse when adultery has been committed… and in 99% of the cases, that would be the right thing to do.

The problem is that the Bible never says the spouse must always be informed, and therefore, we here at AYP can’t say that either.  However, it is fair to say that the old adage “honesty is the best policy” is still a good principle to live by (Jhn 8:32).

I have a deep sense of guilt every time I masturbate. I'm seventeen-years-old, and sometimes I just have the immense urge to masturbate.  I know it's bad under God's eyes, but I still seem to do it.  I feel extremely guilty afterwards because I know God is mad at me.  I ask for forgiveness, but I somehow feel God is mad at me.  Will He forgive me?  The temptation is strong... can you help me?

 

Sincerely,
Youthful Temptation

Dear Youthful Temptation,

We receive a great many questions regarding this subject, and after much thought, we have decided to give a rather lengthy answer to this question, hoping that it will not be necessary to deal with it continually in the future.  We here at AYP do not wish to fixate upon a private and sensitive topic week after week, but we understand that the issue of masturbation is a very real struggle for most young men, and it deserves a Bible answer.

Your question makes the assumption that masturbation is always sinful.  The truth is that the Bible never specifically addresses the topic.  When we search for a Bible answer, we must conclude that God has not spoken one word on this subject.  Having said that, we realize there are many religious teachings in the world today claiming it is either right or wrong.  Catholic doctrine teaches it is a sin one hundred percent of the time, but that is a man-made teaching – not something directly understood from the Bible.  On the other hand, many liberal religious groups teach that masturbation is a perfectly normal thing that should be practiced without any reservation.  Neither teaching is accurate.  We need to look at what the Bible says concerning the topic and accept its teachings and nothing else.  There are some other things (such as lust and guilt) that are closely related to this subject, so we will address them because there are specific Bible teachings on those subjects.

1. Lust is sinful.  Anything that involves lusting after a woman (that is not your spouse) is not allowed (Matt 5:28).  ‘Lust’ means to ‘look upon with strong passion or desire’.  Any action that involves a strong sexual desire for a specific person that is not your spouse is sinful.
2. Many, many God-fearing people have a sense of extreme guilt after the act of self-relief.  When someone’s conscience is upset, that is always sinful because it shows you are doing something you believe is wrong.  If we cannot do something in faith, then it is sin (Rom 14:23).  In essence, if you think it is wrong, then it is wrong… at least for you.  If you do what you believe is right, you will not have a guilty feeling in anything you do.  If you do not do what you believe is right, then you will always have a guilty feeling.  This holds true of everything in life.  This is why it is so important that we examine the Scriptures and be fully assured that what we are doing is right with God.  That means we must always study what God has said (not man) on every subject.
3. Pornography is often closely associated with masturbation and should always be avoided.  Pornography is sinful because it is designed around lusting after specific women (see point #1).  Pornography is also a highly addictive sin.  Many young lives have been horribly destroyed because of sexual addiction to pornographic images.  We cannot overstate the dangers of this type of addiction.  Thus, pornography must be avoided at all costs.
4. When young people are in that stage between childhood and marriage, there is a constant pull and temptation from the sexual realm.  There is no easy way around the desires created by the physiological reaction of a young man's body.  God understands that a young person’s body burns in passion (1 Cor 7:9).  It is said that in today’s culture and society, a young man is bombarded with things to stimulate him on an average of every ten seconds.  This is not an excuse, nor should it be used as an excuse, for immoral behavior – but it is a reality that every young man has to cope with.
5. Marriage is God’s vessel for the relief of sexual desires (1 Cor 7:1-5).  God understands the devil uses the sexual realm to tempt us away from a faithful life, and God created marriage as the solution to that temptation.  That is the long-term answer to this issue.  The problem we are dealing with is what someone should do to act faithfully through the short-term period of time between childhood and marriage.

This issue is not an easy one and there are no clear-cut answers.  The Bible provides many principles that surround this subject, and we have tried to outline them here… but ultimately, each person must faithfully consider these principles and behave themselves in a way that they believe is adhering to the teachings God lays out in His Scriptures.  We shouldn’t allow man-made religious laws to control our lives, whether they are overly conservative or overly liberal.

I accepted the Lord Jesus as my Savior approximately nine months ago. When I became saved, I was in a sinful relationship. I was living with my fiancé (we are abstaining now) and am the mother of two children. He is the father of one of those children. What I am struggling with now is whether or not I am able to marry my fiancé.  He is a divorced man.  According to him, he and his wife divorced due to her committing adultery. I have never been married, and it is very important to me to have a marriage that is within God’s will and purpose for my life.  I don’t want to enter into a union that will separate me from His holy presence. Can you please provide me with your insight regarding this and help me understand why I might not be feeling God’s guidance in this situation?

Sincerely, Bride To Be?

Dear Bride To Be?,

The Lord tells us His will through the Scriptures (2 Tim 3:15, Eph 3:4), and no emotion or feeling should ever be our guide in things moral. That is why you haven’t been receiving any direct guidance in your situation… God already gave us all the answers in His Bible (2 Pet 1:3). Happily, the Scriptures are very clear in your situation.

Your fiancé is not married and is therefore available to get married. His prior spouse divorced him over fornication, which is the only permissible reason for divorce in the New Testament (Matt 5:32). In any case, he is no longer married to his previous wife. The divorce is long since final, and if he isn’t married – he isn’t married.

God certainly intends for marriage to be between one man and one woman for life (Gen 2:24). Having said that, God understands that, unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way (especially when people are living worldly lives). In John 4:17-18, Jesus recognizes five separate marriages that a worldly Samaritan woman had had. Jesus recognizes that in a sinful world, people don’t always make the choices God desires for them, and consequently multiple marriages do occur.

As a christian, you must understand marriage is for life. Regardless of past choices, if you and your fiancé get married… make it ‘til “death do you part.”

My son and his "girlfriend" are coming to our house for a four-day visit. They have been living together for eight years and are not married.  Neither one is living a godly life.  My question: how do we handle the sleeping arrangements? And what do we tell them? They are arriving in a couple of days, and we need to handle this matter gently in order to keep our relationship. They have not spent an overnight at our house and limit their visits, and I'm sure this is the reason.

Sincerely, Empty Nester

Dear Empty Nester,

You cannot aid them in a sinful relationship. Their eight-year relationship is sinful and tragic. It is understandable that you want to keep a working relationship with them, but you can’t keep that relationship by compromising your morals. If you wish to live a godly life, you can’t yoke yourself to ungodly behavior (2 Cor 6:14). If your son were involved with the sin of murder, would you harbor him from the law? Though more socially acceptable, what they are doing is just as sinful.

Your relationship with them is strained because you choose a path of morality that makes them uncomfortable (Jhn 3:20). You can remove the strain from the relationship simply by ceasing to care about godliness. Of course, that would remove the value of your influence in their lives. You are indeed the salt of their life that constantly reminds them of their responsibility to their Creator (Matt 5:13). Make your stand and speak the truth in love (Eph 4:15). Regardless of what they choose, you can sleep with a clear conscience knowing that you obeyed God rather than men (Act 5:29).