I'm very depressed and have lost all hope.  I have been married for two years now after three years of courtship.  My marriage lacks intimacy.  No matter how hard I try, I just meet rejection.  He told me that there will be intimacy someday, but he does not know when.  I've basically tried everything to bring back the spark but just meet disappointment.  Is this the way God wants me to be?  Is it okay to live in this marriage, faithful for the sake of keeping the marriage together and for the kids?  Is it all right to stop thinking of my own self and ignore my needs?  I fear and love God and do not want to do anything that He would not approve.  I know God would not want anyone to be unhappy, and I know God wants me to be a faithful person...but what kind of price am I paying?  Please enlighten me and help me deal with this situation.

Sincerely,
Despondent Wife

Dear Despondent Wife,

There are two major concepts that you need to consider in your situation.

1. It is always wrong to get a divorce – except in the case of adultery (Matt 19:9).  No matter how unhappy you are, it would be a sin for you to get a divorce.  Being a christian isn’t about doing what makes us happy… it is about being faithful to God which includes keeping His commandments (Jhn 15:14).  We must be prepared to deny ourselves and follow after Christ (Matt 16:24).  Marriage difficulties are currently your cross to take up and bear.
2. God does want for you to have a happy marriage and family.  He outlines in multiple areas of the Bible how to achieve that.  Eph 5:22-31, Col 3:18-21, and 1 Cor 7:1-5 are great examples of God’s teachings on the subject of marriage.  It is quite possible to have a loving, faithful marriage if you work together and use God’s Word as your guide.  Regardless of what your spouse does, if you obey God’s commands, it will make your marriage better.

Marital problems, though all similar, are unique to each couple.  We highly recommend you find a Biblical counselor (one that teaches Bible principles and NEVER treats divorce as a solution) and that you and your husband begin to get help.  Sometimes, we all need a helping hand (Pr 11:14).

What does it mean when you are asked, "Is the yoke uneven?"

Sincerely,
Huh?

Dear Huh,

The verse being referred to is 2 Cor 6:14.  A ‘yoke’ is a ‘harness used to tie oxen together, so that they can pull a plow or cart’.  When God tells us not to be “unequally yoked” to an unbeliever, He is warning us not to put ourselves in a position where we are committed and tied to someone who doesn’t share our values.  The most poignant example of this is marriage.

If you are a christian and you are married to someone who is not a christian… you are going to have MAJOR problems.  Your life is going one way, and their’s is going another.  It is hard to pull a plow if the oxen don’t both go the same direction!  This is why God tells christians to only marry other christians (1 Cor 7:39).  So when someone asks you, “Is the yoke uneven?”, they are probably asking whether you are married to a christian.

Is it a sin to not be legally married with a marriage license but to be married in God’s eyes?  The reason I am asking this is because my husband and I can't get legally married because he is on SSI, and they will take all of his money and his insurance if we got married because I work. But his dad is a preacher, and he married us under GOD's eyes.  I was just wondering if there is such a thing as that.  A guy I work with said to me, “Follow the law of the land”; is that what that means, that we are supposed to get married legally?  I got saved a year ago and baptized, so am I living in sin?

Sincerely,
The Bride (Maybe)

Dear The Bride (Maybe),

It is important to make the distinction between 'can't' and 'would be hard to'.  It isn't that you and your husband can't get a marriage license; it is that it would be hard on you financially to have one.  Whether or not your marriage is valid without the government's paperwork is not the issue – either way, you are being deceptive.  The Scriptures say that you should get married rather than live together in a sinful relationship (1 Cor 6:18), AND they say that you should obey the laws of the land (1 Pet 2:13-15).  Right now, you are obeying one command… but not the other (you yourself said that you are "not legally married", which – by definition – means you are doing something you believe is illegal).  Currently, you are intentionally deceiving the government in regard to your relationship with your husband in order to continue to receive money from it.  We can't simply obey some of God's laws and forsake the others.  The sum of God's Word is truth (Ps 119:160).

WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN THE BIBLE TALKS ABOUT DIFFERENT YOLKS?  I AM SEEING A GUY THAT IS A BAPTIST, AND WELL, I’M CATHOLIC, AND HE STATED TO ME THAT HE WAS CONCERNED ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE OF OUR RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES!  HE THEN MENTIONED ABOUT THE BIBLE WHERE IT TALKS ABOUT THE DIFFRENT YOLKS BUT DID NOT EXPLAIN.  I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT HE IS TRYING TO SAY.  WHAT DO DIFFERENT RELIGIONS HAVE TO DO WITH LOVING ONE ANOTHER?  IF POSSIBLE, I WOULD LIKE FOR A BAPTIST PREACHER TO EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THE DIFFERENCES IN A RELATIONSHIP HAVE TO DO WITH LOVING ONE ANOTHER?  WHAT IS THE INTERPRETATION OF THE DIFFERENT YOLKS IN THE BIBLE?

Sincerely,
SOMEONE THAT REALLY LOVES HER PARTNER REGARDLESS OF THE DIFFERENT RELIGIONS

Dear Someone That Really Loves,

You aren’t going to get an answer from a Baptist preacher here (we are just christians at AYP), but the Bible agrees with your Baptist boyfriend on this one.  God says that we should never be “unequally yoked” (2 Cor 6:14).  Our relationship with God needs to be the central focus of our life (Matt 22:37-38).  Marriage, which is the potential end result of your romantic relationship, is the most intimate union this side of heaven (Eph 5:31).  Marriage to someone that doesn’t have the same values as you is compared to two oxen being yoked to the same wagon with each oxen pulling the cart in a different direction – it will never work!  Solomon is the great example of this.  Solomon was the wisest man on the earth (1 Kgs 4:30-34).  Yet, even with all his wisdom, Solomon’s idol-worshipping wives tore his heart away from serving God (1 Kgs 11:4).  If it can happen to Solomon, it can happen to anyone.

But here is the bright side!  Catholicism isn’t following the Bible… BUT the Baptists aren’t either.  You can tell your boyfriend that he isn’t doing what God says.  Both Catholicism and the Baptist denomination are man-made religions that only take pieces of the Bible and disregard the rest of It.  It is only when we accept the whole Bible that we can be pleasing to God (Ps 119:160).  The world is full of religions that are leading people astray with false teachings.  God tells us that there is only one pattern for His church, and that pattern can be found in the Bible (Eph 4:4-6).  God is not the author of the religious confusion that we see in the world today (1 Cor 14:33).  If you and your boyfriend want to get on the same page spiritually, we would be ecstatic to help teach you about the church of the Bible and how to find one in your area.  Simply e-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org.

I long to have children, and I feel like it is my call in life to be a mother, but my husband does not want kids.  He is very adamant about not having children, EVER!  This is not what we had planned and certainly not something that I agree with.  How lonely would it be when we are older and our families are gone and we have no kids of our own to visit with and talk to.  What do I do?  I have tried prayer and talking to him.  I don't know if I can deal with never having children.  Any advice?

Sincerely,
Baby Mama

Dear Baby Mama,

The longing of the female soul for children is as old as the world.  Ever since Eve became the mother of all living, women have wanted children (Gen 3:20).  Leah used children as the benchmark of whether she was a successful wife (Gen 29:32).  God also says that he opened Leah’s womb as a comfort and blessing to her (Gen 29:31).

Rachel was bereaved that she could not have children, and she, like you, fought with her husband over that issue (Gen 30:2).  Women unable to have children (for whatever reason) are very often vexed by a deep emotional burden.  In fact, childbearing is so entrenched in the psyche and feminine culture that women sometimes measure one another by their children; Peninnah often provoked Hannah because she had no children (1 Sam 1:6).

In fact, Hannah is an excellent example of how to deal with the sorrow of not having children.  Hannah never stopped loving her husband and maintaining a godly relationship with him (1 Sam 1:4-5).  Elkanah, her husband, didn’t understand why children were so important to Hannah, and it is likely your husband doesn’t either (1 Sam 1:7-8).  Hannah prayed constantly for God to find a way for her to have children; she prayed in her sorrow, and she prayed in hope (1 Sam 1:10).

Trust in the Lord, be a godly wife, continue to pray, and study the Scriptures with your husband on this topic, but ultimately you must learn to be content in whatever state you are in (Php 4:11).  May the Lord bless you in your difficult struggle.