How do you handle a spouse who finds it easier to demonize you rather than to turn to GOD, keep His commandments, and serve GOD?

Sincerely,
NO Longer Disrespected

Dear NO Longer Disrespected,

Christianity isn’t about handling others; it is about handling ourselves.  We cannot control the behavior of others; we can only control ourselves.  In a marriage, each spouse has a separate command.

If you are the husband, your command is to “love your wife” (Eph 5:28).  A husband is to love his wife as his own body regardless of whether she is being respectful and kind.  A husband’s love is not dependent upon a wife’s respect.  Biblical love (best described in 1 Cor 13:4-8) is a choice, not a feeling.  A loving husband chooses to do that which is in the best interest of his wife.  He is to seek to love his wife as Christ does the church (Eph 5:25).  A husband’s love is sacrificial; it is a gift he chooses to give unconditionally.

A wife is to respect her husband (Eph 5:24).  She shows him respect even if he doesn’t deserve that respect.  She chooses to let him lead the household regardless of whether he is good at it.  As long as his decisions do not force her to disobey God (Acts 5:29), she follows him.  She treats him as a man and honors him as head of the household even when he acts petty and small.  Her respect is unconditional.

Each spouse has their own job.  You cannot force the other spouse to behave one way or another, but you can gain them by your behavior (1 Pet 3:1).  We waste our energy when we try and control the actions of others.  You can only have success when you begin to mold your own soul.

My ex adopted three kids after we divorced.  I have tried to be a dad figure in their lives.  I have decided to start dating, and ex says I can no longer see the kids.  They have all had horrible dads that were abusive or absent.  I don't want to be another person that walks out on them.  Will God judge me for not being there even though I want to be but can't because of my ex?  Am I selfish to want to move on with my life?  I love these kids, and they tell friends that I am their dad.

Sincerely,
Distant Dad

Dear Distant Dad,

You can only do what you can do.  If you can be involved in their lives, even in a small way – you should.  Even though you aren’t their biological father, they view you that way.  You have a responsibility to do whatever you can to be involved and do good in their lives (Gal 6:10).

Having said that, it sounds like you don’t have a lot of control over the issue.  God only holds us accountable for what we are capable of doing (2 Cor 8:11-12).  You must be ready and willing to be involved, but if your ex-wife forbids you from being involved, you are no longer bound.

Pray about this issue (1 Thess 5:17).  Ask God for wisdom and petition your ex-wife for the opportunity to continue to do what you know is right.  After that, trust the Lord and find peace that He will make all things work together for good (Rom 8:28).

What does the Bible say about a pastor who is rumored to have had an affair and is divorced as a result?  Should he still pastor the church?  I can forgive.  I guess my question is: does God want us to stay or find a new church home?

Sincerely,
We All Fall Short

Dear We All Fall Short,

A pastor is the same as an elder (Acts 20:17), a bishop (1 Tim 3:1), and an overseer (‘overseer’ is another translation for the word ‘bishop)… all four titles represent the same job.  A pastor/elder/bishop/overseer has certain qualifications that God says they must meet in order to be appointed.  Those qualifications are laid out in 1 Tim 3:1-7 and Tit 1:5-9.  One of those qualifications is that the pastor/elder/bishop/overseer needs to be a husband of one wife (Tit 1:6, 1 Tim 3:2).  Literally, ‘husband of one wife’ means ‘a one woman man’.  If a man has had an affair, he has proven that he is not ‘a one woman man’.  It is not a matter of forgiveness (if he repents, you should forgive him {Lk 17:3} ); it is a matter of meeting the criteria set by God.  A man who has had an affair can be a christian, but he is unqualified to be a pastor/elder/bishop/overseer.  It sounds like you may need to find a new church; we recommend reading “Finding A Church” and “Preacher Interrogation” to help you in your search for a faithful, Bible-only congregation.

I currently work outside of the home, but many of my friends tell me that a christian woman cannot have a job.  Does God say that I have to be a stay-at-home mom?

Sincerely,
Overworked

Dear Overworked,

Being a stay-at-home mom is a job – a very important one – that shouldn’t be neglected.  The Bible never says that a woman can’t work outside the home; in fact, it gives many examples of faithful women working secular jobs.  Lydia was a seller of beautiful fabric (Acts 16:14).  The worthy woman of Proverbs 31 is depicted as buying and selling land (Pr 31:16).  The problem isn’t with women working outside of the home; it is when women neglect their homes and families.

God tells us that older women are to train younger women to be “workers at home”, “love their children”, and “love their husbands” (Tit 2:3-5).  Paul told Timothy that women are to “rule the household” (1 Tim 5:14).  Both of these verses indicate that women play a pivotal and central role in running the home.  As much as men are admonished to provide and lead their families, women are taught to not neglect the sphere of the home and family.  Pr 14:1 says that women should build their homes and invest effort and time into establishing those homes.

If a woman works outside of the home (which is perfectly scriptural), she must make sure that she does not neglect the home.  Proverbs 31 shows us what an important and wonderful job being a wife and a mother can be.  A woman who dedicates herself to her family will be pleasing to God, and her family will rise up and call her “blessed” (Pr 31:28-31).

I am in a debate with my girlfriend about whether or not it is okay if we live together before we are married.  From a biblical standpoint, what is your take on that situation?  Am I in the wrong for wanting to before we are married?  I am curious for your interpretation and advice on it from a biblical standpoint.

 

Thanks.

Sincerely,
First Or Last Month’s Rent

First Or Last Month’s Rent,

We receive this question almost every day, and it would be very easy for us to refer you to previous posts like "Living Together" and call it good, but we here at AYP believe that this question is posed so often because of a deeper problem than people just not knowing what to do about sex, marriage, and living arrangements.

The reason people don’t get married – but instead (outside of marriage) have sex, live together, have children together, and eventually destroy their lives – is because we spend our lives making up the rules as we go.  We live our lives by the “what-makes-me-feel-good-right-now” philosophy.  We have no real standard to live by other than what we feel at the moment.  Like Pilate, we ask, “What is truth?” (Jhn 18:38) because we don’t know where to find the right answers to life.  How can we know what is the right thing to do?  Only the Creator can give us a rulebook for life that allows us to comfortably say, “I’m making the right choice.”  Jesus is the truth, the way, and the life (Jhn 14:6).  All the answers to life are found in His Scriptures (2 Pet 1:3).  If we want our relationships, our families, our careers, and our lives to work, we have to use the manual.  Ask for the Bible and nothing else.  We here at AYP would be happy to help you begin that journey by showing you what God has to say about getting your life right with Him.  E-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org.  And if you didn’t see it coming, getting your life right with Christ will involve not living together before you are married.